I am so broken. Today has consisted of crying alone and praying every ten minutes that Breakfast at Tiffany’s would suddenly appear on Netflix, which never happened. For the past ten years that has been the only movie that can cure any sadness I have, tonight I suppose I will have to write it out, instead.
Chase and I talked our issues out yesterday and moved on in quite record time for me, if I do say so myself. After dinner and binge watching House of Cards in a blissful state with him, I came across something that broke my heart. For the record, Chase is not, will not, and has never cheated on me. I will not go into detail about what I found, but I know that if the roles were reversed he would also be crushed.
I am having a the hardest time this week with where I will belong in the rest of his life, because three things have happened in the past four days that have shown that he hasn’t considered me at all. Don’t think I am needy. If we didn’t live together and if we weren’t engaged little last minute plans or not remembering what days we have together wouldn’t be such a big deal. But since we do live together, the fact that he thinks he can take overnight trips without considering a conversation with me first scares me.
The new problem has been an ongoing problem for about four months now. Every couple of weeks I hear another story about this person or find something that upsets me. And every time I express my discomfort with his relationship with this person he says “sure I understand,” and we move on. However, last night I completely lost it. I cried so hard. And he cried. And I feel like he finally understands where I am coming from. But he can immediately switch to “Let’s have dessert, cuddle, etc.,” mode and I can not. I am crushed and confused, because I feel that this isn’t the last time we will have this conversation and I am not sure what to do about it. I can’t stop thinking about it, every time I think about what I read last night I get sick to my stomach. I feel like if I had hurt him the way I have been hurt this week I would be doing everything in my power to make sure he doesn’t hurt anymore and I am not getting that from him.
Am I crazy for expecting that? Should I not have expectations like that or should I? If he were uncomfortable with a relationship I had with someone else it would immediately become something I change to make sure he doesn’t feel that way. I just feel like I don’t matter anymore. I feel so pathetic and sad, I wish I could snap and make all the hard things in relationships go away.
But what I really wish for more than any of that is for Breakfast at Tiffany’s to magically appear on TV.
I am currently in the middle of an emotional battle within myself. I don’t consider myself the easiest person to please or get along with, and my heart goes out to my dear fiance every day for learning how to put up with me day in and day out. At the moment, my issue is with a situation involving him that I am unsure of how to handle.
I can often be dramatic. I am also bad at letting go. It can take me up to three days to actually move on from an argument after an apology. To be honest, I don’t like to feel like a schmuck, I have this unexplained fear that if I drop an argument or move on too quickly I am giving the other person involved permission to hurt me again. My parents are still married and are happier and more loving each year, I am close to my family, and I have never had a boyfriend hurt badly nor have I had a friendship end tragically, but for some reason I am the most stubborn and closed off person I have ever met. That being said, I want to be able to drop what is bothering me, but I just can’t bring myself to feel accepting of the situation.
I am so angry. Chase expressed his excitement to share his day off with me, which he was aware was Tuesday (today). The very next night, he comes home excited to go foraging for some sort of vegetable with his coworkers on Tuesday, because “you work Tuesday, right?” I saw red. I want to make it clear that I am not upset that he is spending time with his friends, I am upset because he went on about having Tuesday off with me and then completely forgot about it when an opportunity to do something else presented itself. He assured me he’d be home around dinner to spend the rest of the night with me. So in the moment I let him know I was upset we discussed it and moved on, I dropped it and we ended the night happy.
Before I continue there a few other points I need to bring up (I apologize for being all over the place, emotionally I’m cluster fucked). My birthday falls on next Monday (quarter-life crisis alert!). His family comes to town to visit us the next day, so selfishly I am a little upset that we won’t be celebrating my birthday at all on our last day off together before his family comes and before my birthday. I am also upset that he is spending his days off before his family arrives driving around the state and I get to spend my time in between work cleaning and preparing for his families arrival.*
Anyways, back to the situation at hand. He comes home last night at 1 a.m. from work to let me know “sorry I misunderstood we will be camping so I am not coming home tomorrow night.” I saw red again! I could get past the first slip up, I was actually so proud of myself for letting it go as quickly as I did, but then this shit happened. My first night alone in this state, in this apartment, and he sprang it on me like it wasn’t a big deal. He also isn’t even sure if he will have any cell service where he is going. Great. I am so upset at the inability to plan that was surrounded by this trip. And I am upset at how my feelings where not considered in it. His intention was not to exclude me or hurt me, but I feel like this happens too often. I live with him, we are engaged to be married, and he so quickly forgot his excitement about our day off together. Also, the casual way he let me know the official plans five hours before he left isn’t something that makes me comfortable.
He knows I am upset. He knows how I have been hurt. He knows the things that he did that he should do differently next time and has apologized a million times. Its been less than ten hour since this last bit of information was presented to me and even after the apologies and the talk about it, I can not drop it. I know he is sorry, but I am allowed to feel upset past that? I am so ashamed of myself and frustrated with the fact that I know he is sorry, but I still can’t feel calm about. In time I will feel better, maybe by the time he finally gets back I will feel excited to hear about his trip with out having bitter feelings towards it. But for now, I am just too angry.
I had to vent. I am sorry that it is all over the place.