I am so broken. Today has consisted of crying alone and praying every ten minutes that Breakfast at Tiffany’s would suddenly appear on Netflix, which never happened. For the past ten years that has been the only movie that can cure any sadness I have, tonight I suppose I will have to write it out, instead.
Chase and I talked our issues out yesterday and moved on in quite record time for me, if I do say so myself. After dinner and binge watching House of Cards in a blissful state with him, I came across something that broke my heart. For the record, Chase is not, will not, and has never cheated on me. I will not go into detail about what I found, but I know that if the roles were reversed he would also be crushed.
I am having a the hardest time this week with where I will belong in the rest of his life, because three things have happened in the past four days that have shown that he hasn’t considered me at all. Don’t think I am needy. If we didn’t live together and if we weren’t engaged little last minute plans or not remembering what days we have together wouldn’t be such a big deal. But since we do live together, the fact that he thinks he can take overnight trips without considering a conversation with me first scares me.
The new problem has been an ongoing problem for about four months now. Every couple of weeks I hear another story about this person or find something that upsets me. And every time I express my discomfort with his relationship with this person he says “sure I understand,” and we move on. However, last night I completely lost it. I cried so hard. And he cried. And I feel like he finally understands where I am coming from. But he can immediately switch to “Let’s have dessert, cuddle, etc.,” mode and I can not. I am crushed and confused, because I feel that this isn’t the last time we will have this conversation and I am not sure what to do about it. I can’t stop thinking about it, every time I think about what I read last night I get sick to my stomach. I feel like if I had hurt him the way I have been hurt this week I would be doing everything in my power to make sure he doesn’t hurt anymore and I am not getting that from him.
Am I crazy for expecting that? Should I not have expectations like that or should I? If he were uncomfortable with a relationship I had with someone else it would immediately become something I change to make sure he doesn’t feel that way. I just feel like I don’t matter anymore. I feel so pathetic and sad, I wish I could snap and make all the hard things in relationships go away.
But what I really wish for more than any of that is for Breakfast at Tiffany’s to magically appear on TV.