Changes.

Today, and for the past few days actually, my husband has been in a bit of a grumpy mood. This is unusual for him. It hasn’t been consistent, but one grumpy comment a day is way more than I am used to. I knew something weird had to be up today when he snapped on me for not wanted to grill by the lake today during a thunderstorm. In his defense, the storm had not started yet, but the sky was dark, it was humid and the weather app said we were due for a storm at any moment.

After the post grilling blow up, we sat in silence for a while before he jumped up and asked that we go for a walk. He “had to get out of the house.” So he took off and i followed behind him. I walked behind him in silence for a couple blocks until he settled on a random park bench for us to sit on. There, we continued to sit in silence until after what felt like forever he apologized for blowing up on me. He then proceeded to tell me about how maybe pursuing your passion as a career is overload and you’re just supposed to have your passion as a hobby and your career separate. He said he was just exhausted all the time trying to make ends me and wasn’t sure anymore if the life and future he thought he wanted was exactly what he wanted anymore. He thinks a boring job that gives him a good pay check and allows him to maybe travel, be home with me more, or pursue his passion at home, would be a better suited option. A big house, with a yard, and normal hours of work, is how he put it.

Yeah, whatever. That actually sounds like a really normal life choice and path to follow and normally someone would say “yeah I’m on board for the white picket fence dream.”

BUT for the past 5 years we have lived in two different states in studio apartments so that he can have cooking experience and learn and grow in different regions with the end goal of moving home to settle down and open a restaurant. We both signed up for this marriage and partnership together know that the end goal would be time consuming and for life, and we were both okay with that.

For me, the timing to drop this on me was not ideal. I was upset that he had been moody with me for the past week and extra upset that he wanted to have a life changing conversation with me afterwards. I want to support what makes him happy, ultimately, but right now I feel like my world has been rocked. He doesn’t see how what he’s shared is something that would affect me.

I don’t really know why I am posting about this right now. I just feel confused. I am not mad at him, I am just confused. What do I really want then in relation to his new dream?  I don’t know what I want. Maybe that is part of the problem. Maybe him being able to say out loud that he feels like what he is doing with leave him unsatisfied makes me envious that wouldn’t be brave enough to admit something like that. I mean, I know the job that I have now isn’t my forever job, but his decision may push me jump into a forever job sooner than I am ready to dive.

Who knows? Just had to get that out there somewhere. More to come eventually.

 

Drink Responsibly?

I often worry that I may be an alcoholic. Dependency runs in my family and I was raised with the knowledge that addiction wouldn’t be out of the question, due to my families history. I never felt like I was addicted to anything, nor do I REALLY believe that I am an alcoholic, but occasionally I wake up after a night of drinking and cringe.
It’s the cringe that worries me. I have never done anything truly bad while drinking other than start the occasional fight with my husband for no reason, but it’s been a very long time since I have done that.
When we lived in Charleston, there were extended periods of time when I would go out and drink days in a row. After a lot of those nights I would go home and vent to my husband about all the little things that annoy me and a fight would begin. He never held it against me the next day, but I always felt awful about it.
Ever since moving to Chicago I haven’t had a single night like that. This led me to reflect upon reasons for more responsible drinking in Chicago, and all I can come up with is that I am way less bored in Chicago. In Charleston, Chase worked a schedule that kept him at work for over fifteen hours a day and I was alone most of the time. I felt alone most of the time and anxious about the amount of time we actually spent together. In Chicago, we both go to work early and are both home together for dinner every night. We both have groups of friends here that we spend time with and go out with on occasion, as well, which is something neither of us had in Charleston.
The amount that I drink has dramatically decreased since I have moved from Charleston, but once in a while I will still drink too much. I wake up with a miserable hungover, I can’t remember conversations that I had with the people that I went out with, I have specific memories of thoughts when I knew should stop drinking but continued to, because I like to be the life of the party. That being said, I have never missed work, lost friends, done anything illegal, or really done anything life ruining while drunk, I’m just starting to realize that it’s not so cool to be 28 and wasted in public and miserable the next day.

I love a good cocktail and really enjoy a nice cold beer. I like the social aspect of drinking on a patio on a warm summers day. I don’t want to stop drinking all together, but I really want to get myself to a place where I can recognize that I enjoyed my cocktail or my cold beer and then I can stop. I don’t always have to drink to get buzzed and that’s okay.

For the next month I would like to try to drink water only, and then reintroduce drinking as treat and not as a necessity. We have a wedding that we are going home for next month and those are usually triggers for me, I love the open bar and I love dancing with all the people I haven’t seen in a long time. In that setting I am not the only one who is very drunk, but it is okay for me to not be that drunk, too. I need to learn. I also have plans to spend time with my group of childhood friends, which also turns into an out until last call kind of night, which is fun, but that doesn’t mean I need to be stumbling home.

In conclusion, I am aware that I may have an issue with alcohol consumption and I am making it my goal to go home to this wedding and spending time with old friends without getting trashed. And having made this goal a thing that I can look back at as a reminder of how bad I feel when this happens, hopefully it’ll keep me honest. If not, it will be time to completely reevaluate my relationship with alcohol.