Tears for my Toilet.

Today I woke up and had a feeling it was going to be a bad day and from that moment on, it was. My husband just got a job that calls for a very late clock out time, which means he gets home late (or early depending on how you look at it) and needs to sleep in a little later than I would like to. In a normal world, this isn’t an issue, but in OUR world we live in a tiny studio. So, if he needs to sleep late then I need to sleep late or be quiet. This is hard for me.  I have to be at work anywhere between four and six in the morning, usually, so on my days off I’m up early.  The later I sleep in, the harder it is for me to go to sleep at a reasonable hour for such an early shift. He only works these late nights four days a week and I will usually work on the days he needs to sleep in, which is perfect for everyone, but the few days a month that I’ll want to get up and start my day when he needs to sleep in are going to be hard for me. TRUST ME, I am know I sound like a whiney bitch, but I love my mornings.

So today was day only day one (which makes me look even worse for ranting ALREADY, I KNOW!) and it was hard for me to adjust. He didn’t wake up until 10:30 and I would have achieved so much on a morning off alone by that time. So by the time he left for work I felt out of control and behind on my day off and ended up sitting on my couch for the entire day…like, the entire day. I let my dishes soak in the sink for hours, my lunch plate, complete with crumbs and dirty napkin, sat in front of me for at least two episodes of Quantico, and I never even bothered to change out of what I had slept in the night before. Man, what a sad series of words to lump together.

Being in a funk aside, the tank to my toilet decided to stop filling. I’m big on watching youtube videos to solve all of my apartment needs and it works 100 percent of the time, until today. Chase was home still to see me fix the problem this afternoon, we were both impressed with it. A few hours later, the problem arose again, and this time the previous solution didn’t work. So, I’ve spent my lazy miserable day filling a stock pot with water to slowly fill the toilet tank in order to flush it. Hopefully the maintenance manager of the apartment gets back to me soon, I think I may lose my mind. In the middle of filling the tank I had a mental break down and called my parents to walk me through fixing it, they were no help, but their laughter at my tears of frustration helped me to calm down. I guess they helped.

Our studio had a refrigerator that is smaller than your average, it fits enough, but not a lot. It is an art to arrange everything in a way that makes it all fit well together. I bet you’d never guess that one of the shelves completely snapped and everything that was housed on the shelf came crashing down to the floor. The only casualty was one sad bottle of hot sauce, but man what a shit show. I have to go shopping tomorrow now for some sort of containers to organize my fridge racks now, because a million random bottles of condiments are thrown all over it and its not working out. The heavier things on the racks make them bend a little, so everything narrow and longer, like a beer bottle or hot sauce bottle, tip over easily. This, in reality is also not a big fucking deal.

The reality is, I should be thankful that I have an apartment at all, a husband who works hard at undesirable hours to take care of us, a toilet, running water, and food. I am aware of this. But shiiiit, I need to vent sometimes and that is also okay. I was a lazy sad mess today for no real reason. I am convinced that it is because I woke up expecting it to be a bad day. Tomorrow I HAVE to wake up on the right side of the bed, I’ve got too much shit to do to make up for the lack of anything that I did today.

*kanye shrug.


Update on Sobriety.

Well here it is guys, the update on my sobriety that nobody asked for. Long story short, I failed. I don’t even think I made it through a full week after my original blog post about calming down without drinking. To top it all off, I got totally trashed at the wedding, commandeered the SHARED hotel bathroom I had with my IN-LAWS (!!!) to throw-up all over it after the wedding.

The night started off well, I nursed one drink and hung out with his parents and enjoyed the wedding. The wedding party, which Chase was a part of, toasted with forties, and they so kindly shared them with close friends of the wedding party, including myself. Thats when it went downhill. By the end of the night, the wedding party and their friends were the last ones standing and if my memory serves me correctly, we all surrounded the bar for the last hour of the reception taking shots of whatever the bartender would give us. I feel less embarrassed about that,  because everyone was trashed, we all went shot for shot with each other and we were all having a great, wasted time. But then I black out. One second I am taking a shot at the bar and the next second I am crying in the bathroom of the hotel surrounded by my own vomit after clogging the toilet.

The next morning, I woke up mortified. I had slept in the clothes I was meant to wear home that day instead of my pajamas, the rest of my clothes were hanging all over the bathroom to dry because I had tried to clean the mess with them , and all of the towels were in a heap behind the door. I began to have little flashbacks of things that happened in there and I bawled out of embarrassment. Chase and his parents didn’t seem to be upset with me, but fuck me, I felt so stupid. Chase assured me that at the wedding I was a good time and everyone was on the same wavelength, so thankfully my only source of shame came from the aftermath in the hotel. HOWEVER, it should have never gotten that far.

My brain is missing the censor in it that other people have that tells them to slow down when they need to. I’m convinced of it. Normal people can feel a buzz and relax and sip their drip, because they know they are feeling good. I feel buzz and think that I have to keep drinking or I will lose it. My issue has always been inability to regulate my intake, I want to keep feeling good all night and the voice inside that reminds me that “hey, if you keep drinking you’ll embarrass yourself,” gets silenced.

Is it addiction when you know you have a problem to fix and you neglect to take care of it, anyways? How come I can’t get my shit together. I vowed to stop drinking that morning, but have since drank. its been a month and I have had no more than two drinks per week, and have not gotten drunk either. I hope to keep this control going. My weaknesses are open bars, we will see how I act at the wedding we attend next month. I am not going to make any promises about not getting too drunk and controlling myself, because I seem to like disappointing myself.