In an interesting turn of events yesterday I found myself wanting to tell my husband to sleep with other people. Something that is embarrassing for me to admit is that we only find ourselves fighting about sex. He wants it all the time and I actually never want it. I understand how horrible that has to make him feel knowing that his wife never wants to initiate sex with him, but it’s not really his fault. I don’t actually know what it is.
I would say the first half of our relationship was great in that aspect, and this second half has just dropped off for me. I am attracted to him, I fantasize about it with him, but when it comes down to the act of it, it exhausts me. It feels mentally taxing to engage in intercourse now and I can’t fight my way around it.
If i had to pinpoint a cause, it would be when we moved in together. I became his mom and his girlfriend in the same day. I started to realize how messy he was and how little he did to help out around the apartment. At first, it was fine, I wasn’t working so it made sense for him to work crazy hours and for me to tend to our apartment. Once I began working again, however, the chores never split. It remained that I was the housekeeper and the cook and did the laundry and made sure we had groceries. This is a theme that, years later, hasn’t changed. I’ve told him that being his mom and being his significant other can’t work me. I can’t clean up after him all day and then want to be intimate with him at night, anyone else have this problem?? We’ll have that talk, we’ll both understand what we need in the moment, I need him to either help out more or appreciate all that I do for us and he needs me to be more sexual for him. Seems fair.
We fall into a place where he’ll cook dinner then say things like “Okay help me with the dishes since I cooked!” Or, “I made the bed this morning and did the dishes before I went to work!” Expecting a gold star. It infuriates me that he does a fraction of the things I do everyday, but he expects so much praise in return. I literally do not get a pat on the back every time I time I pick his underwear up from RIGHT NEXT to the hamper, or pick up his Q-tips that can’t quite make it into the garbage.
I know I am making us both out to look bad, but I have noticed among friends and while reading relationship articles that it is typical for the man in their lives to expect praise for doing normal tasks. He’ll do all of these things until we finally have regular sex, then get complacent again, because he got the result he wanted. Once we get into the boring routine again it’s like he forgets what we had talked about before in regards to my needs.
This time, however, we’ve been great. We have been communicating and laughing and supporting each other, but for whatever reason with the impending pregnancy news neither of us had sex on the brain. Now that that possibility is gone, I just haven’t gotten back in the mood. We argued again about how I don’t initiate and how he doesn’t work to get me in the mood he just randomly announces that the wants it and gets discouraged when that’s not enough for me.
I think about sex. I also think about sex with him, but when it comes down to the act my thoughts and body are never on the same page. I don’t actually want him to sleep with other people, but I fear sometimes that I can never be someone who will jump on him when I feel like it. How can I increase my sex drive? How do I make my body catch up to what my brain wishes we were doing? Help.