One-Eighty

In an interesting turn of events yesterday I found myself wanting to tell my husband to sleep with other people. Something that is embarrassing for me to admit is that we only find ourselves fighting about sex. He wants it all the time and I actually never want it. I understand how horrible that has to make him feel knowing that his wife never wants to initiate sex with him, but it’s not really his fault. I don’t actually know what it is.

I would say the first half of our relationship was great in that aspect, and this second half has just dropped off for me. I am attracted to him, I fantasize about it with him, but when it comes down to the act of it, it exhausts me. It feels mentally taxing to engage in intercourse now and I can’t fight my way around it.

If i had to pinpoint a cause, it would be when we moved in together. I became his mom and his girlfriend in the same day. I started to realize how messy he was and how little he did to help out around the apartment. At first, it was fine, I wasn’t working so it made sense for him to work crazy hours and for me to tend to our apartment. Once I began working again, however, the chores never split. It remained that I was the housekeeper and the cook and did the laundry and made sure we had groceries. This is a theme that, years later, hasn’t changed. I’ve told him that being his mom and being his significant other can’t work me. I can’t clean up after him all day and then want to be intimate with him at night, anyone else have this problem?? We’ll have that talk, we’ll both understand what we need in the moment, I need him to either help out more or appreciate all that I do for us and he needs me to be more sexual for him. Seems fair.

We fall into a place where he’ll cook dinner then say things like “Okay help me with the dishes since I cooked!” Or, “I made the bed this morning and did the dishes before I went to work!” Expecting a gold star. It infuriates me that he does a fraction of the things I do everyday, but he expects so much praise in return. I literally do not get a pat on the back every time I time I pick his underwear up from RIGHT NEXT to the hamper, or pick up his Q-tips that can’t quite make it into the garbage.

I know I am making us both out to look bad, but I have noticed among friends and while reading relationship articles that it is typical for the man in their lives to expect praise for doing normal tasks. He’ll do all of these things until we finally have regular sex, then get complacent again, because he got the result he wanted.  Once we get into the boring routine again it’s like he forgets what we had talked about before in regards to my needs.

This time, however, we’ve been great. We have been communicating and laughing and supporting each other, but for whatever reason with the impending pregnancy news neither of us had sex on the brain. Now that that possibility is gone, I just haven’t gotten back in the mood. We argued again about how I don’t initiate and how he doesn’t work to get me in the mood he just randomly announces that the wants it and gets discouraged when that’s not enough for me.

I think about sex. I also think about sex with him, but when it comes down to the act my thoughts and body are never on the same page. I don’t actually want him to sleep with other people, but I fear sometimes that I can never be someone who will jump on him when I feel like it. How can I increase my sex drive? How do I make my body catch up to what my brain wishes we were doing? Help.

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I’m Going Through Changes

Update: I am not pregnant. I started my period on the 47th day of my cycle which is honestly bonkers. I have never had a very consistent cycle off of birth control, but it has never been THAT off before.  My last post expressed fear for the potential of bringing a life into this world, a lot has changed since then. It has been less than two weeks since I officially announced that I thought I might be pregnant and since then my opinion on being a mother has drastically changed.

The night that I had posted about it I had a long talk with my husband about how this might actually be it, we may be pregnant. I was expecting regret, sadness, and a break down from him. He is so worried about money, moving back to California and getting a second car that I had convinced myself he would freak out more than I did. The response that I got, instead, overwhelmed me with positive emotion. He was sure of himself as he held me and told me it would be alright. He smiled, he was calm, he was ready to find out and begin planning.

I bawled. I wasn’t expecting him to be so calm, at all. We had talked all the time about how we never wanted children and joked about how we could barely afford ourselves. Once he showed me how strong he was in that moment, my mentality shifted. I was ready to go buy a test the next day after work and get our results. We had read that false negatives were a thing, so after the first test was negative I waited a few days and took another, which was also negative. So I told myself I wasn’t pregnant and began to research why I would be so late and why I had been cramping for a week. To shorten a story that I could continue to tell I will just say this, a few ups and downs and another pregnancy test later I found myself officially negative. I cried.

I had pictured myself pregnant, I had planned how we’d tell our parents, I knew the timing was right for moving home and being around our family. My best friend is getting married out of state at the end of the year and the timeline would have fit perfectly postpartum to travel still. It seemed like a breath of fresh air for a moment, like it was all perfectly fitting into place even if we hadn’t planned for it. I continued you to cry for a couple of minutes, while also laughing at myself for crying, while Chase held me and let me go through it.

Picturing myself as a mother and accepting the reality of it for a brief a week, oddly has helped me grow up. I’ve been dreading moving home to be closer to family, I haven’t been able to picture us settling down and buying a home, I couldn’t figure out what it all meant to have more responsibility other than renting a studio in a busy city with no one to worry about but myself. I know that having a pregnancy scare doesn’t make me someone who has all of that figured out yet, but it opened up my heart to the possibilities of it. I feel emotional even typing this out now.

Chase later informed me that he might be a little more sad than he had let on about not being pregnant after all. He wasn’t sure what that meant and I am also not sure what it means. We were ready to be parents on accident, but I am not sure that it is responsible to do it on purpose at this point. Just knowing that we were ready has brought us closer in a way that I didn’t know we were apart, it is exciting. It seems silly to admit that about someone I chose to marry, but we were on the same page about no kids, so this has changed us a little.

I can’t wait to continue growing and changing with and learning from him. Tonight, writing out my thoughts, I feel grateful for the man that I married, I feel hopeful, and I feel so content.

 

Panic Mode

Hey guys. This is an overshare, but I am freaking the fuck out. I am on day 42 of my cycle..it has been 42 days exactly since the start of my last period. I can not be pregnant. Everything I have read tells me that 42 days is the acceptable length of an IRREGULAR cycle…but that I should probably buy a pregnancy test soon. My husband and I aren’t irresponsible when it comes to birth control, we are fully aware that we are not financially in a place to bring another life into the world, but somehow a mistake was made.

I’m not confirmed pregnant yet, but today it has hit hard that it may become a reality all to soon for us. We’ve talk about the possibility the past couple of weeks that we’ve been waiting on my period to start, but we haven’t SERIOUSLY talked about what it means if it happens. The timing is not the worst, financially the worst, but we are in the process of planning to move back to our hometown and we have been married a few years and are age appropriate to begin this journey. We are both employed, we have health insurance, we are hard workers, if it comes down to it, financially obviously it will work.

I have never wanted to be a mom, it was not something I saw for myself. We want to open a restaurant. We will never have a ton of money pursuing that passion and it doesn’t create a lot of free time at home.

I’ve been crying for an hour and just needed an outlet to vent. I haven’t talked to anyone about this, I don’t want to put the potential in the universe until I know that it’s real. Stay tuned, I believe my life is about to change.

Sometimes I get down on myself

Well, all the time, to be honest. But yesterday I caught a real life glimpse of myself and my double chin. It hasn’t been a secret to me that I have been gaining an unreal amount of weight. I have probably gained around 20 pounds since my wedding 2 and half years ago, I feel like my diet and exercise routine (which is zero exercise) have been consistent so  I can only blame the change on my metabolism changing as I age. Truthfully I eat more bread and drink more beer in Chicago than I ever have before, but I don’t easily take responsibility for my life so we will pretend I didn’t say that.

About once every two months I convince myself that it is time to start eating healthier and reduce my portions and drink less alcohol. I am semi-succesfull for 6 days, tops. I have no plan, I have no idea what I am doing, I have no idea what is healthy for me. Not to mention my husband is hands-down a meat and potatoes kind of guy. I have never consumed so much white rice in my life, he loves it and needs it in every meal. I understand that meat and potatoes doesn’t translate to rice, but its white and starchy and adds no nutritional value to my diet, same shit, right?

We are getting ready to move back to California for the next chapter, and I can’t go back looking like the moving truck that got us there. Self-Deprecation is not cute, but it’s a defense mechanism that I am well aware of, if I saw it first than I can’t be hurt. I always tell my friends that if they are aware of the thing they do that hurt them then they have no excuse not to fix them, so its my turn to practice what I preach. I hurt because I am unhappy with the way I look, it is time to take control. I don’t want to make fun of myself to make myself feel normal, it isn’t healthy.

I went to sleep last night with a stomach full of meatballs, bread, and wine. I was happy in the moment eating them but have a food and wine hangover this morning as I write this. I decided this morning that I need to change and I need guidance that I am not going to get from anyone, but myself and a few books. I ordered a Whole30 cookbook and Whole30 Day-by-Day journal today to guide me through my healthy lifestyle change. I understand the concept of Whole30 and food that are acceptable on the diet, I just can’t stay motivated or keep up with it. I am not creative in the kitchen and can’t make chicken breast and roasted broccoli every night and think that it is sustainable.

I plan to start a real Whole30 and stick to it once my books arrive.  I am very excited and proud of myself that I took a step closer to getting real about my health. Part of the journey is accountability, so I wanted to stop by here and put it in writing that I plan to begin this journey. Maybe some of you can help me out or give me recommendations for this opportunity!

Yikes.

I guess it’s not all about me…

Yesterday my middle sister welcomed her second beautiful baby girl into the world. I am beside myself with joy for her and her growing family. They already have a four year old daughter, who is the greatest niece in the world and I can’t wait to watch her crush her role of big sister. The only problem there is when it comes to me watching her blossom, I am currently living two thousand miles away. While yesterday was an incredibly happy moment for my family, it was also very lonely for me over here in Chicago. I felt like my heart was expanding and exploding all at the same time.

I am the oldest of three girls. My middle sister, however, was the first one to have kids. The timing couldn’t have been worse, she wasn’t ready to be a mom and my husband (boyfriend at the time) and I had just announced that we were moving across the country after I graduated college. I was the first person my sister called to break the news, I remember it like it was yesterday. We both cried and talked about her plan of attack when approaching my parents with the news. I drank a bottle and half of wine that night and smoked half a pack of cigarettes on my patio while roommate let me cry it out.

My sister had a hard time getting on her feet, she was finally doing well in culinary school, she was working, she had her eye on the prize. It was hard for me to hear that this was going to be on pause, we didn’t know her future with her boyfriend, we knew my parents would take it hard, and I KNEW THAT I WAS LEAVING THE STATE! So I cried that night for her uncertainty on this journey she was about to embark on and I cried, because I knew that I might miss the birth of my first niece. I am still sad often that I am missing the first five years of her life. Thankfully, due to modern technology, it has been easy to get to know her and talk to her and be a part of her life everyday even though we are miles apart.

So, fast forward four years after my move, I am getting a million “I have to FaceTime you texts!” from my sister and to my surprise, another pregnancy announcement was heading my way. This time I cried because I was overjoyed for her and her boyfriend. I was so happy that my niece was going to be a big sister. I was overwhelmed with how happy my sister was, that was the best part. They couldn’t wait to grow their little family. But in the middle of that, I was also crying, because I was going to miss the birth of my next niece.

I have always considered myself to be a little self-absorbed, but I had a wake up call last night as I was reflecting on this experience. What did any of this really have to do with me? Why was I crying more than my sister when she was got pregnant? Wait…why was I crying more than my sister the second time she got pregnant? Why did I think that the world stopped for me while I was gone? And, in addition to that, you wouldn’t even imagine how into myself I was yesterday while this was going down…

My sister sent a text to the family around 5 am, “Today might be the day, but don’t get too excited.” I read it and lost all focus at work. It was all I could think about or talk about, I was so excited for this to happen. But that’s not the selfish part, the selfish part comes in to play 5 hours later when she’s on her way to the hospital and all I can talk about is how I am sad I won’t be there. DUH! Everyone knows I am going to be sad I won’t be there, but saying it over and over puts my family members in a position to acknowledge my feelings instead of focusing on my sister WHO IS IN LABOR.

As the day progressed I found myself wanting to talk about other things, like This is Us and how sad I was watching it, I wanted to talk about not being there more, I wanted to complain about needing to do my taxes, I wanted them to text me more about what was going on in the hospital room. I was started to get mad at them for leaving me out and I felt like I was breathing under water trying to keep from talking about myself at the same time. What is wrong with me? My sister FaceTimed me and I caught myself repeating “I am so sad that I am not there!” Obviously she’s sad I am not there, too, but it is about her! I noticed it was my instinct to type out “she’s beautiful, so happy for you guys, I’m so sad I missed it!” on her social media pictures. It was painful to stop myself at happy for you guys and I can’t figure out why.

I’m neither that confident nor interesting so I am not sure what my obsession with myself is, but man is it a problem. Are these feelings normal? Does anyone else make it about themselves? Do people perceive my actions as self-absorbed or am I reading way too much into this? If I was reading too much into it, it would make sense because it would make me pretty full of myself to think people are overanalyzing my comments.

Anyways, my sister had a great, easy labor to a BEAUTIFUL AND PERFECT baby girl. The family is doing great and they couldn’t be happier. My oldest niece is proudly yet nervously taking on the role of older sister and it is the sweetest thing. I am very grateful and happy for my sister and her (now) husband and their two beautiful and healthy daughters.

I am aware that I am into myself, and on that note…I’m still feeling bad for myself for not being with them.

 

Send.Help.