this record may be broken.

Last night I made a very expensive mistake while I was drinking. I blacked out. I woke up this morning on my couch and had no idea how I got there and my phone was missing. I checked my account to see if I took an Uber and maybe left my phone in it, but I didn’t find an uber charge I found a charge much LARGER than that. Through further research I was told that I broke the front door of a bar we were at and had to pay for it.

I am scared to see my husband when he gets home today, because I don’t remember my interaction with him last night at all. I know for sure that I didn’t tell him about the door that I broke. This was my second time in less than seven days coming home wasted. I deserve to treat myself better than that. It’s not a good look. It feels horrible to wake up and have no idea what happened the night before, nothing can be worth that amount of alcohol. My husband deserves better than this. I don’t want him to worry about me every time I am out.

I couldn’t even cry after learned what went down last night, because I am so disappointed. Crying isn’t going to fix anything. I’ve had the “I am sorry I won’t drink so much next time, blah blah blah,” conversation with my husband so many times before that I know it won’t be enough this time.

I am going to stop drinking.

I have said it before, but I have never felt like this before. Last night went beyond got a little too loud in a bar to destructive and expensive. I don’t like to think of myself that way.

I deserve better.

The people around me deserve me.

I am going to stop drinking.

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Redundant.

Sometimes I feel like I am banging my head into a wall. Repeatedly. I expect a different outcome as I carelessly wind up and ram into it, again. The blow is never softer. I can only hit it so many times before I pass out, bleed out, or black out. Dramatic? Perhaps. Is the drama necessary? Always.

My husband is a friendly guy. He’s the life of the party without trying. People seem to be drawn to him, whether it is to share aversion or admiration of his ridiculous humor. I find the trait to be endearing, I like that people like him, it makes me feel liked by association. However, for the entirety of our relationship I’d say he finds himself in deeper friendships with women. It makes me uncomfortable. Whether its the girl he grew up with and was in love with until he met me or the women he works with, there is a revolving door of other women he engages with regularly. Women will text him things like “missed you at work today”, “I’m bummed we don’t work together tomorrow!”, things about who they’re sleeping with in the kitchen, personal shit, etc. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I don’t want other women texting my husband that they missed him. I don’t give a shit if I am with him every second of the day and know they aren’t sleeping together, I never want to see that someone other than his mother is texting him “Missed you.”

In Chicago, he has a small group of friends that he’s made and one of them is female. Her and I over time have become friends, too. I know they don’t have anything beyond friendship going on, but he will draw stupid cartoons and leave them for her to find the next day at work and she’ll take pictures and post them on social media, or she’ll post pictures of him doing something at work. I hate checking my instagram to find pictures of things my husband is doing through another women, even if it is something as stupid and small as a dumb “this place sucks” cartoon he draws.

I’ve expressed to him that it makes me feel insecure when I see this happen, and he replies with “Im sorry, but she’s just my friend, its a stupid picture.” Which, duh, I understand that, however if it makes me uncomfortable then that’s kind of that, right? A server he worked with once told me that I was the real winner of the Super Bowl, because I got to go home to him every night, and it took 4 months and me having a total breakdown to get him to understand that I didn’t want him texting her or going out with her. She even slept with his coworkers that were in relationships and he still didn’t understand what made me uncomfortable. Another woman would text him daily her excitement about the days they’d work together, he also didn’t understand why that would make me uncomfortable. It’s stuff like that. I express to him that I am uncomfortable, he continues to exhibit the behavior that makes me uncomfortable, I continue to feel like his connections with these other women matter more to him than our connection, and then I explode. It is only after I explode like a jealous, psycho freak that he understands and backs off.

Today, the new friend posted about him three separate times. I text him to ask why she keeps finding things around work that he’s leaving for her to post on instagram and he says it’s just pictures it doesn’t matter. He thinks I’m being jealous and it’s a new thing that we’ve never experienced or talked about before. He told me he feels like I don’t trust him, which he doesn’t understand. And I told him that each time I have another conversation with him about feeling like he puts other women before me that I absolutely do not trust that he cares about my feelings.

I can’t continue to have this conversation with him. I just cannot. I have male friends but I’m not texting them, I’m not posting things they’re doing for me (not that they’re doing things for me) for him to see, I’m not talking to them about deeply personal things.

To whomever reads this, I understand if you think I am a little neurotic. Maybe I am, but I don’t want to feel like I come second any longer. I really can’t keep telling him that.

 

fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuckkkkkk.

Going Going, Back Back…

 

To Cali Cali. Original. I know. This month my husband and I are making the Haul back to California after five adventure (I loosely use the word “adventure”) filled years away from it. We originally moved to to Charleston, South Carolina and then from there to Chicago, Illinois. We wanted to take advantage of being young, in love, and without kids. I had also finished college with a degree in psychology and no official plans to use it, while he had graduated from culinary school and had every intention of putting that to good use.

His intention was to cook and learn cuisine and culture in other parts of the country to bring back home (California) with us in hopes of having expanded knowledge for one day opening our own restaurant. My plan was to find a job a that paid the bills and enjoy living in different parts of the country. It was exciting for us and for our families, because we were the first in a couple of generations to get out of our hometowns. Sounds so small-town, doesn’t it? We are not from a small-town, but a nice suburb of the East Bay Area, when we share that with people in other states they can’t comprehend why we would ever leave it. The answer is simple, it has been such a growing opportunity for us that I don’t understand why everyone doesn’t take a year or two off from where they grew up. If you’re thinking “Money, maybe?” you’re wrong. We moved across the country with barely $1000 together and we’ve made it work for 5 years without ever once asking our parents for help.

So, now that we have had this amazing cross country adventure together, we have decided that it is time to settle down sightly and move back home. I have been at the same job for almost 8 years transferring from location to location and has fulfilled his desire to learn new cuisine. The only downside about spending the past few years traveling is that we haven’t had an opportunity to lay roots anywhere or save money to build towards our future and our potential business. Not to mention my sister has a new baby girl that turned 2 months old yesterday that I have yet to meet, which is tearing away at my heart.

It is with the most bittersweet of feelings that my husband and I began packing our 375 square foot apartment this month to begin our haul back home. I’m grateful for all that I learned along the way and I can’t wait to see what moving home to be with our families again can teach us. Honestly, I CAN wait a little bit to have outside influence and added family pressure thrown into our marriage that hasn’t been there the whole time we have been married, but it’s all part of the adventure, I suppose.

 

 

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/haul/