Letting Go.

I have been having the absolute strangest dreams lately. Insomnia has seemed to set in the past couple of weeks and once I fall asleep it seems as if I can’t relax, because REM Briana doesn’t want me to. Lately, I have been bored at work and complaining about things that don’t matter. I come home and talk about an endless amount of things that, in reality, don’t affect me. Last night I had a dream that I was in the bathroom at work and bats flew into my shirt and I couldn’t get rid of them. Then after walking up and falling asleep again, I had a dream that my father had died. I woke up crying and confused, because my family in the dream didn’t seem to care that this had happened. I was very worried for my dad which prompted me to look up what the death of my dad could possibly mean.

It turns out that having your dad die in your dream means that you possess qualities that you get from your dad that you may need to let go of. This is relevant in my life, because my inability to show affection to my husband is starting to affect us and I have been trying to let go of that. I am my father’s daughter, I inherit a sense of sarcasm and introversion from him that I have a hard time letting go of most of the time. Having a dream about a bat can often mean that you are holding on to something that is affecting you and you need to change the way you think about the situation, because it is out of your control and shouldn’t be affecting you. Considering the dream involving the bats took place at work, I took this as a huge slap in the face. Obviously, the universe is telling me to get over myself at work and accept what I can change and that shaping my attitude into a more positive one can help to better improve the things I can change.

I am not big on dream interpretation, but every once in a while I have a dream that speaks to me. Something inside told me to look it up and I am glad that I did. I gained a little bit of positive perspective on things that totally freaked me out before. Maybe I will apply some of the advice REM Briana was trying to give coherent Briana. Maybe I will also call my dad and tell him that I love him.

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Kill all the Things

Today is day 4 of my Whole30 adventure and my body feels great, but my attitude is shitty. I am very irritable and on the defensive. I read a lot about doing a Whole30 before I started it and thought to myself there is NO WAY I am going to want to ‘kill all the things’ by only day 4. And I was so wrong. I thought that hit in week two so when I read up on it again today everything seemed to make sense. I spent days 1-3 making fun of Chase for not being able to handle it that soon and today I am thankful that he is busy at work not to witness the monster I have become.
My day hasn’t been particularly bad. Work was slow, I enjoyed my coworkers, all our customers were in great moods, and nothing bad or annoying happened. Chase and I have to lock down a caterer for the wedding, which is exciting, but we both feel like we can’t make any decisions without our families input, because they are paying for it. Unfortunately, everyone is on a different page. We have narrowed it down to two different local eateries that do a whole pig roast which is something we would love, we just have to create menus and price it out. This wouldn’t seem like a big deal if we didn’t have pressure coming from both sides to hurry up and make a decision.
We picked a priest that we grew up with in our church to officiate and went over marriage prep guidelines with him. We were relieved to find that he would allow us to do classes online, because we only get to spend time together between the hours of 11 pm and 2 am and have a hard time with our jobs coordinating time off.
We also picked dates to go home for his sister’s graduation/cousin’s wedding and the dates we will go home for OUR WEDDING . We purchased the first set of tickets and now just have to lock down the dates with our bosses and purchase the wedding month tickets! So that’s all very exciting stuff, a lot of money involved, but exciting nonetheless.
Now back to the stress. I sent a text to the bridesmaid/grooms-maids, who are my sisters and his sisters, with a color palette and dress ideas for them to look for. I told them I was happy as long as they were within those colors. And I assumed the pictures I sent for mismatched ideas would be sufficient. His sisters (who I love) sent pretty structured and darker dresses then I was looking for. I stupidly said they were acceptable thinking to myself it has only been one hour since I sent that text, they are still looking, then I heard a few days later that it what they were getting. So, I was upset with myself for being so relaxed and agreeing to what they had sent. So I sent another text with 6 specific colors and 12 dress options I like. I have been saying “pretty, romantic, and feminine” from the start. And somehow, because I am a spineless jellyfish, I let them know they could keep the dresses in a softer tone as long as they looked for something more flowing first. I am not mad at them. I am confused that the pictures I sent don’t look like the dresses they picked, but I am mad at myself for not saying “no.” They are all going shopping together next week and it is my only hope that my mom can hold it together for me, she’s been on my side and helping me through this whole thing and I am unbelievably thankful to have her through this. Telling someone “no” shouldn’t be this hard, but on DAY 4 OF YOUR WHOLE30 it is! I want it to be over. I just want everyone to agree with me and support me… is that too much to ask?!
In other news we decided to stay in South Carolina for another year once our lease is up. I am hoping the longer we stay the more likely my whole family is to move here. A girl can dream.

Fried Green Tomatoes

I’m in the midst of one of the laziest weeks I have had in a while. It has been the absolute best. Since Thanksgiving I have felt like I’ve been non-stop so to take these past few days for myself has been much needed, more so than I thought. Anyways, I have been spending my time meal prepping, wedding planning (getting addresses is exhausting!), watching movies, and I have even worked out a bit. Amazing, I know, I can’t believe I worked out either. My arms have been sore the past two days which is exactly what I need to change to feel a little better in my wedding dress!
So, today I watched the movie Fried Green Tomatoes, it was so good. I can’t believe I have lived my whole life without seeing this movie. It was so inspiring. A movie about strong women loving and encouraging each other was what I needed. I loved watching Kathy Bates character, Evelyn, grow through her relationship with Ninny and the stories she told of Idgie and Ruth. These girls were a wild pair that did what they wanted despite how society told them to live their lives at the time and they were so happy doing it. They had big hearts and deeply cared for the people around them and it came through in Ninny’s tales. I am not going to break down the whole movie, but after finishing it I feel happy and at ease. It seems slightly silly, but after watching Evelyn grow into her own powerful woman I feel like I can conquer anything as well. I’m neither ignored by my significant other nor afraid to speak out about what’s on my mind, but If Evelyn can learn to speak her mind and get her unhappy ass to a gym to take charge, then damn it, so can I! Every time I feel lazy or down on myself I’ll just have to channel my inner Towanda. Such a funny word can take up so much meaning. Watching Kathy Bates smash into the younger woman’s car screaming “Towanda!” was one of the funniest scenes I had watched in a long time.
My lazy week will soon come to a close tonight (what? But it’s only Friday?). I start work again tomorrow at 5 am and don’t have another day off until next Friday! Wish me luck; it’s hard to stay on track with my healthy eating when I work up and down hours all over the place. Hopefully all the meal prepping I did can keep me in line for the first few days or so. By the way, what is meal prepping anyway? I made a bunch of chicken that I put in a plastic container in my fridge, along with prepped veggies and spinach. Am I doing it right?

Towanda.

I Put That Sh*t on Everything

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This here is chimichurri. I made it the other night to go over steaks for dinner and I just can’t get enough of it. I have had it before, but I was pleasantly surprised at how easy it was to make. Since steak night I have used it once a day at least as either a salad dressing, with my eggs, I dipped plantain chips, and so on. If I could make yummy fresh salsas/dips/marinades like this to keep on hand all of the time life would be more simple and delicious.
I told myself that this year I was going to transform into a healthier version of myself and so far, so good. I am down four pounds and I feel good about the things I am eating. I don’t want to call myself paleo, but I will go with paleo-ish . It’s been exciting to go grocery shopping and meal plan. I feel like it’s really going to work this time around, because I have Chase on board the health train for the first time. I don’t NEED him to be healthy in order for me to be healthy, but it makes it a hell of a lot easier!
I received an e-mail from the boutique I got my wedding dress at with details for my first fitting in a couple months. One of the main points was to be your ideal weight for the first fitting or further alterations past that will continue to grow in cost. This sort of motivated me to finally get serious. Maybe I’ll actually work out tonight…?

Let’s not get too crazy.

Being an Adult is Rough.

My 2015 so far has been hectic. I started off in the best way possible. I went to the restaurant that Chase is sous at and hung out at the bar with the significant others of his work family and toasted and celebrated the New Year with them. It was great. And then the unavoidable hangover hit the morning of January 1st and it has been downhill since then. I didn’t get out of bed until 2 pm, which honestly was awesome. I made a delicious “breakfast” of hash browns, pancakes, and bacon and covered everything in syrup!
Anyways, other than my hangover breakfast I had been in kind of a funk. I wasn’t interested in friends or the things Chase was saying anymore. I had already posted a rant about my stress and my shitty apartments. I had this overwhelming feeling that I couldn’t articulate. I was irritable and I just “couldn’t even.” Aha…really though. We have a lot going on this year, our lease in Charleston is up in May, we get married in California in August, and there is a lot happening in between. We want to start a farm as I previously mentioned but neither of us have a job that allows to pay for more than an apartments rent and groceries. We are comfortable, but have a hard time saving, not to mention I have student loans to worry about.
2015 holds a year of many decisions for us, many very adult decisions we have never been faced with. It has been easy for us to get the things we want, because we haven’t thought bigger picture. Now we actually have to budget, and we have to decide where we want to settle and start a farm and how we are going to get there. We need to decide whether or not we are ready to close the Charleston chapter of our lives. Should we honeymoon after the wedding or set up a “help start our farm” fund for our gift registry? How does paying my students loans work into owning a home? There are just so many things to consider this year that I had never thought about seriously before.
It took me 10 days to figure out that I was being burdened with an incredible amount of financial stress, health stress, and stress about change. At this point, Chase was obviously struggling with how to talk to me since I was acting like a crazy person, so he was relieved when I had finally opened up to him about the things floating around in my head. We had a great talk about the things we want and how to achieve them, slowly but surely we will figure everything out together. No decisions have been made, but at least we are both on the same page.
In other news, I had made a slightly pre-New Year’s resolution to be healthier and so far so good. I kicked it off officially on the first Monday of the New Year and have lost 3 pounds this week. I haven’t added working out into my lifestyle yet, but baby steps, okay? My journey to consistently eat real food AND get Chase to eat real food is a work out enough. As I enter week 2 of #healthylifestyles I hope to work out at least twice, which sounds stupid but it would be a lot for me. Wish me luck!

The Writing on the…Ceiling.

The apartment complex I live in is a piece of shit, to put it politely. The maintenance men are very nice people and I am sure that they are doing the best with what they are given, but since we moved in over a year and a half ago our ceiling has leaked. After at least one complaint a month about the leak in my ceiling or my window frame nothing has been done. They keep telling us the apartments need a new roof, but it isn’t getting done, I guess? They are providing us with quick fixes that don’t last through more than two southern rain storms.
Recently, a huge water mark has formed in the ceiling, there isn’t any leaking, but you can visibly see where large pools of water gather just above the surface. After another complaint last week, we were told they were really going to fix the problem this time, but a week later (today) there was a lot of rain and the spot grew larger. In addition to the leaking ceiling, our smoke alarm always goes off because there is no actual ventilation system in the kitchen, and there are always at least 2 laundry machines of the 3 not working. This may sound like whining, but it is so stressful to be out of the apartment when it’s raining, because I am never sure if I am going to go home to a ruined apartment. You may ask, “Why the hell do you still live there?” And the answer is, we have chosen to stay in these apartments for so long, because they are the cheapest option for our downtown area and in the best location for our jobs.
Anyways, coming home to a larger water stain tonight has really lit a fire under my ass. Our plan has been to travel around for a little while before we settle in one place and have children. We had been researching our next destination and trying to figure out how to fit that into our lives while planning around our wedding. Lately, my passion has drifted to something way different than I would have expected to love. I have become so interested in started a farm and garden with heritage pigs and chickens and making that my life. Chase got me a book on raising pigs for Christmas and I have been so excited to read and start researching that kind of a life and the things I need to do and learn to get there.
My struggle right now is whether or not I am ready to shift dreams. Should we suffer through the next couple months of our lease here and move back to get married while house/farm hunting to dive into what we want to do? Or, should we stick with our original plan and move to the next destination? Part of me feels like moving home to really save for our future goals of a farm would be like letting everyone down, because we had spoken so much about our big plans to move everywhere and experience everything. But lately, Chase has been stressed at work to the point that he is beginning to lose passion for food and being in the kitchen which is breaking my heart. I’ve become tired of my routine here, as well as missing my family. I love the family and life we have built for ourselves in Charleston, but I am having a very difficult time comprehending that this chapter of our lives should end soon.
How does one make the decision to shift gears and go in a completely different direction when they had been so sure of what they wanted before? I shouldn’t really make any drastic decisions while under the influence of fury from apartment’s incompetence. But the whole situation has made me put things in perspective. What am I doing in these apartments still and what is my end game in Charleston? What is future plan here, Briana?! Maybe moving closing to my family again and pursuing the farm is the best idea for us if that is really what we want to do? Why not, right?
I just never want to move back home and get stuck in a cycle that most people from our town fall into. He will stereotypically begin working at the town’s chemical plant to save money and I will get whatever quick job I can to save money and we will get pregnant and comfortable and never leave. I am too pessimistic. 2015 so far has been all about hating everything; it isn’t a good look on me.

I am thinking too much, goodnight.

A Typical New Year’s Resolution

I am writing this post before the New Year as a jump-start to my New Year’s resolution. For most of my life I have wanted to be a writer, but never pursued it. When my fiancé and I made the decision to move across the country everyone told me that I should blog about my everyday adventures, but I didn’t. The story of my life seems to revolve around a list of things I haven’t done. I have previously written about how I am tired of procrastinating and lazy, but I still haven’t done anything about it (go figure). For 2015, I really hope to improve my lifestyle.
My fiancé, Chase, has a tagline for his life which is simply the word “lifestyles,” this has taken on new meaning to my own life over the past year. This word started as a bit of a headache for me, but quickly became something I embraced. One of our favorite things to say is “that is SO lifestyles,” I have no idea how to explain what this even means to someone who isn’t around us, but it works for us. My life will be lived to the full potential of lifestyles. I need to begin by improving my health. Chase and I both have slipped away from any form of a healthy lifestyle. Neither of us work out, we don’t eat well, and we have a very unhealthy sleep schedule. We are often tired and lazy and we are becoming fed up with feeling this way. We have decided together to become healthy for 2015 and I am very excited for the adventure.
Secondly, I would like to start using this blog more often. Last year (well, this year), I had a lot going on in my life. I am engaged and across the country from anyone in my family trying to plan a wedding. My family and Chase’s family are very close, so both of our mothers have strong opinions on how this wedding should go which I am thankful for, but also stressed out about. It’s nice to know that I have the support and excitement from two separate families, but it is so hard to appease everyone in the process while trying not to hurt anyone’s feelings. Anyways, it would have been nice to share the ups and downs of planning on FaceTime, text message and Google docs in real time. In addition to wedding planning, there are plenty of other things going on that I wish I could document and ideas I want to share for either myself or anyone who cares to read.
Thirdly, I need a second job of some sort. Financially we are comfortable, but we have no wiggle room. So the third goal is to either learn how to save money better than I do now or to get a second job. I barely see Chase enough as it is so I am not sure how working two jobs will fit into that equation, but a girls gotta do what a girls gotta do, right?
I know that none of this shit makes sense and that I ramble and that my thoughts aren’t necessarily complete, but I’ll figure it out. My priority is to blog more, it’ll make my life seem more exciting. The first step is blogging again within the next 20 days, that’ll be a record for me! On that note, I hope everybody had a great 2014!

Bring it on, 2015.