Today, and for the past few days actually, my husband has been in a bit of a grumpy mood. This is unusual for him. It hasn’t been consistent, but one grumpy comment a day is way more than I am used to. I knew something weird had to be up today when he snapped on me for not wanted to grill by the lake today during a thunderstorm. In his defense, the storm had not started yet, but the sky was dark, it was humid and the weather app said we were due for a storm at any moment.
After the post grilling blow up, we sat in silence for a while before he jumped up and asked that we go for a walk. He “had to get out of the house.” So he took off and i followed behind him. I walked behind him in silence for a couple blocks until he settled on a random park bench for us to sit on. There, we continued to sit in silence until after what felt like forever he apologized for blowing up on me. He then proceeded to tell me about how maybe pursuing your passion as a career is overload and you’re just supposed to have your passion as a hobby and your career separate. He said he was just exhausted all the time trying to make ends me and wasn’t sure anymore if the life and future he thought he wanted was exactly what he wanted anymore. He thinks a boring job that gives him a good pay check and allows him to maybe travel, be home with me more, or pursue his passion at home, would be a better suited option. A big house, with a yard, and normal hours of work, is how he put it.
Yeah, whatever. That actually sounds like a really normal life choice and path to follow and normally someone would say “yeah I’m on board for the white picket fence dream.”
BUT for the past 5 years we have lived in two different states in studio apartments so that he can have cooking experience and learn and grow in different regions with the end goal of moving home to settle down and open a restaurant. We both signed up for this marriage and partnership together know that the end goal would be time consuming and for life, and we were both okay with that.
For me, the timing to drop this on me was not ideal. I was upset that he had been moody with me for the past week and extra upset that he wanted to have a life changing conversation with me afterwards. I want to support what makes him happy, ultimately, but right now I feel like my world has been rocked. He doesn’t see how what he’s shared is something that would affect me.
I don’t really know why I am posting about this right now. I just feel confused. I am not mad at him, I am just confused. What do I really want then in relation to his new dream? I don’t know what I want. Maybe that is part of the problem. Maybe him being able to say out loud that he feels like what he is doing with leave him unsatisfied makes me envious that wouldn’t be brave enough to admit something like that. I mean, I know the job that I have now isn’t my forever job, but his decision may push me jump into a forever job sooner than I am ready to dive.
Who knows? Just had to get that out there somewhere. More to come eventually.