Annual resolution post…

It’s about time for my once a year New Year’s post. I figured I would get a jump on it a little early this year. Previously, I have made goals for myself that I have not achieved, 2017 was no different. I never figured out who I was or found a hobby or even tried to contemplate what I bring to the table. I wanted to focus more on writing and really have a head start in pursuing that, which I also didn’t do.

I have lived in three different states the over the last seven years and I am never quite sure when I will be leaving each state. I have let this looming unknown dictate how I run my life. I have passed up promotions, friendships, vacations, etc., because I am never sure how permanent my situation will be. Recently, like yesterday recently, I learned that my husband has been doing the same thing. He doesn’t want to start anything too long term in the states that we have been in, because they aren’t our home. Hearing him say this out loud initially upset me, but I realized I had been doing the same thing. I have even told people that ask me why I haven’t moved up in the company I work for that it is because I am waiting until we move home. Well, in 2018 we will be moving back “home”. We will be surrounded by our family again and trying to lay roots of our own, finally. Travelling has been incredible and I have learned a lot, but it will be nice to make a little more money and maybe go on some vacations, oh yeah, and achieve previous goals I have set. I have been setting goals for myself that I somehow knew I would not reach, because deep down I wasn’t ready to start pursuing them. That being said, I will not be setting any work or hobby related goals for myself this year. I just always end up disappointed this time of year.

Now, to take a complete one-eighty from work, I would like my goal this year to be to find out what body positivity means to me.

I hate myself. I get depressed every time I see a candid picture, getting dressed in the morning is a struggle, I am fully aware at all times of the food I am putting in my mouth and how it will negatively affect my waistline. The anxiety of obsessing over my meals and what is healthy and what isn’t healthy is becoming an all-consuming constant in my life and I would like to murder that obsession and throw into a lake.

I joined a gym a little over a year ago and Chase and I really threw ourselves into it, we had a great routine that lasted about a month and half. Then Chase hurt his back and I had no motivation to go on my own. I started to work at a new location while all of this was going on and my walk to work went from five minutes to over two miles there and back each day, which I was considering a perk since it totaled over thirty minutes of walking. Somewhere along the way I began to confuse my stroll to work with real exercise and treated my diet that way as well.

At the same time, I tried to embrace body positivity, which I don’t fully understand, and I challenged myself for a week to put on an outfit and leave it on, no matter what rolls were showing. This was liberating. It was the easiest week I had in a while. I threw clothes on, smiled at myself, ate what I felt like, and went on about my day. I liked it so much that I extended my weeklong trial into almost a month, until I realized that I was gaining weight. I was heavier than I was when I started and my clothes were starting to look less flattering than they were before. I noticed new rolls on my stomach that hadn’t been there two months before. This sent me over the edge. I started stressing about my outfits again and I couldn’t stop constantly thinking about AND eating food. I haven’t been able to recover.

So this year, I want to work on a healthy relationship with food, I want to stop OBSESSING, and most importantly I want to learn to love my body. I understand that being body positive doesn’t mean you just let yourself go and love it anyways, it means loving yourself enough to nourish it and take care of it, with some wiggle room. Well, actually as I stated before I don’t understand body positivity at all, but I am going to learn.  I assume it also means when you slip up and cant get it together you don’t shame yourself, you allow yourself the slip up and learn from it. I don’t know. I hope that I am not the only one who doesn’t get it.

 

Goodbye 2017, overall you were great, but I need a real health check for 2018.

(maybe a little minor goal will be to close out blog posts better…)

 

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Kill all the Things

Today is day 4 of my Whole30 adventure and my body feels great, but my attitude is shitty. I am very irritable and on the defensive. I read a lot about doing a Whole30 before I started it and thought to myself there is NO WAY I am going to want to ‘kill all the things’ by only day 4. And I was so wrong. I thought that hit in week two so when I read up on it again today everything seemed to make sense. I spent days 1-3 making fun of Chase for not being able to handle it that soon and today I am thankful that he is busy at work not to witness the monster I have become.
My day hasn’t been particularly bad. Work was slow, I enjoyed my coworkers, all our customers were in great moods, and nothing bad or annoying happened. Chase and I have to lock down a caterer for the wedding, which is exciting, but we both feel like we can’t make any decisions without our families input, because they are paying for it. Unfortunately, everyone is on a different page. We have narrowed it down to two different local eateries that do a whole pig roast which is something we would love, we just have to create menus and price it out. This wouldn’t seem like a big deal if we didn’t have pressure coming from both sides to hurry up and make a decision.
We picked a priest that we grew up with in our church to officiate and went over marriage prep guidelines with him. We were relieved to find that he would allow us to do classes online, because we only get to spend time together between the hours of 11 pm and 2 am and have a hard time with our jobs coordinating time off.
We also picked dates to go home for his sister’s graduation/cousin’s wedding and the dates we will go home for OUR WEDDING . We purchased the first set of tickets and now just have to lock down the dates with our bosses and purchase the wedding month tickets! So that’s all very exciting stuff, a lot of money involved, but exciting nonetheless.
Now back to the stress. I sent a text to the bridesmaid/grooms-maids, who are my sisters and his sisters, with a color palette and dress ideas for them to look for. I told them I was happy as long as they were within those colors. And I assumed the pictures I sent for mismatched ideas would be sufficient. His sisters (who I love) sent pretty structured and darker dresses then I was looking for. I stupidly said they were acceptable thinking to myself it has only been one hour since I sent that text, they are still looking, then I heard a few days later that it what they were getting. So, I was upset with myself for being so relaxed and agreeing to what they had sent. So I sent another text with 6 specific colors and 12 dress options I like. I have been saying “pretty, romantic, and feminine” from the start. And somehow, because I am a spineless jellyfish, I let them know they could keep the dresses in a softer tone as long as they looked for something more flowing first. I am not mad at them. I am confused that the pictures I sent don’t look like the dresses they picked, but I am mad at myself for not saying “no.” They are all going shopping together next week and it is my only hope that my mom can hold it together for me, she’s been on my side and helping me through this whole thing and I am unbelievably thankful to have her through this. Telling someone “no” shouldn’t be this hard, but on DAY 4 OF YOUR WHOLE30 it is! I want it to be over. I just want everyone to agree with me and support me… is that too much to ask?!
In other news we decided to stay in South Carolina for another year once our lease is up. I am hoping the longer we stay the more likely my whole family is to move here. A girl can dream.

The Writing on the…Ceiling.

The apartment complex I live in is a piece of shit, to put it politely. The maintenance men are very nice people and I am sure that they are doing the best with what they are given, but since we moved in over a year and a half ago our ceiling has leaked. After at least one complaint a month about the leak in my ceiling or my window frame nothing has been done. They keep telling us the apartments need a new roof, but it isn’t getting done, I guess? They are providing us with quick fixes that don’t last through more than two southern rain storms.
Recently, a huge water mark has formed in the ceiling, there isn’t any leaking, but you can visibly see where large pools of water gather just above the surface. After another complaint last week, we were told they were really going to fix the problem this time, but a week later (today) there was a lot of rain and the spot grew larger. In addition to the leaking ceiling, our smoke alarm always goes off because there is no actual ventilation system in the kitchen, and there are always at least 2 laundry machines of the 3 not working. This may sound like whining, but it is so stressful to be out of the apartment when it’s raining, because I am never sure if I am going to go home to a ruined apartment. You may ask, “Why the hell do you still live there?” And the answer is, we have chosen to stay in these apartments for so long, because they are the cheapest option for our downtown area and in the best location for our jobs.
Anyways, coming home to a larger water stain tonight has really lit a fire under my ass. Our plan has been to travel around for a little while before we settle in one place and have children. We had been researching our next destination and trying to figure out how to fit that into our lives while planning around our wedding. Lately, my passion has drifted to something way different than I would have expected to love. I have become so interested in started a farm and garden with heritage pigs and chickens and making that my life. Chase got me a book on raising pigs for Christmas and I have been so excited to read and start researching that kind of a life and the things I need to do and learn to get there.
My struggle right now is whether or not I am ready to shift dreams. Should we suffer through the next couple months of our lease here and move back to get married while house/farm hunting to dive into what we want to do? Or, should we stick with our original plan and move to the next destination? Part of me feels like moving home to really save for our future goals of a farm would be like letting everyone down, because we had spoken so much about our big plans to move everywhere and experience everything. But lately, Chase has been stressed at work to the point that he is beginning to lose passion for food and being in the kitchen which is breaking my heart. I’ve become tired of my routine here, as well as missing my family. I love the family and life we have built for ourselves in Charleston, but I am having a very difficult time comprehending that this chapter of our lives should end soon.
How does one make the decision to shift gears and go in a completely different direction when they had been so sure of what they wanted before? I shouldn’t really make any drastic decisions while under the influence of fury from apartment’s incompetence. But the whole situation has made me put things in perspective. What am I doing in these apartments still and what is my end game in Charleston? What is future plan here, Briana?! Maybe moving closing to my family again and pursuing the farm is the best idea for us if that is really what we want to do? Why not, right?
I just never want to move back home and get stuck in a cycle that most people from our town fall into. He will stereotypically begin working at the town’s chemical plant to save money and I will get whatever quick job I can to save money and we will get pregnant and comfortable and never leave. I am too pessimistic. 2015 so far has been all about hating everything; it isn’t a good look on me.

I am thinking too much, goodnight.