I have been having the absolute strangest dreams lately. Insomnia has seemed to set in the past couple of weeks and once I fall asleep it seems as if I can’t relax, because REM Briana doesn’t want me to. Lately, I have been bored at work and complaining about things that don’t matter. I come home and talk about an endless amount of things that, in reality, don’t affect me. Last night I had a dream that I was in the bathroom at work and bats flew into my shirt and I couldn’t get rid of them. Then after walking up and falling asleep again, I had a dream that my father had died. I woke up crying and confused, because my family in the dream didn’t seem to care that this had happened. I was very worried for my dad which prompted me to look up what the death of my dad could possibly mean.
It turns out that having your dad die in your dream means that you possess qualities that you get from your dad that you may need to let go of. This is relevant in my life, because my inability to show affection to my husband is starting to affect us and I have been trying to let go of that. I am my father’s daughter, I inherit a sense of sarcasm and introversion from him that I have a hard time letting go of most of the time. Having a dream about a bat can often mean that you are holding on to something that is affecting you and you need to change the way you think about the situation, because it is out of your control and shouldn’t be affecting you. Considering the dream involving the bats took place at work, I took this as a huge slap in the face. Obviously, the universe is telling me to get over myself at work and accept what I can change and that shaping my attitude into a more positive one can help to better improve the things I can change.
I am not big on dream interpretation, but every once in a while I have a dream that speaks to me. Something inside told me to look it up and I am glad that I did. I gained a little bit of positive perspective on things that totally freaked me out before. Maybe I will apply some of the advice REM Briana was trying to give coherent Briana. Maybe I will also call my dad and tell him that I love him.
The apartment complex I live in is a piece of shit, to put it politely. The maintenance men are very nice people and I am sure that they are doing the best with what they are given, but since we moved in over a year and a half ago our ceiling has leaked. After at least one complaint a month about the leak in my ceiling or my window frame nothing has been done. They keep telling us the apartments need a new roof, but it isn’t getting done, I guess? They are providing us with quick fixes that don’t last through more than two southern rain storms.
Recently, a huge water mark has formed in the ceiling, there isn’t any leaking, but you can visibly see where large pools of water gather just above the surface. After another complaint last week, we were told they were really going to fix the problem this time, but a week later (today) there was a lot of rain and the spot grew larger. In addition to the leaking ceiling, our smoke alarm always goes off because there is no actual ventilation system in the kitchen, and there are always at least 2 laundry machines of the 3 not working. This may sound like whining, but it is so stressful to be out of the apartment when it’s raining, because I am never sure if I am going to go home to a ruined apartment. You may ask, “Why the hell do you still live there?” And the answer is, we have chosen to stay in these apartments for so long, because they are the cheapest option for our downtown area and in the best location for our jobs.
Anyways, coming home to a larger water stain tonight has really lit a fire under my ass. Our plan has been to travel around for a little while before we settle in one place and have children. We had been researching our next destination and trying to figure out how to fit that into our lives while planning around our wedding. Lately, my passion has drifted to something way different than I would have expected to love. I have become so interested in started a farm and garden with heritage pigs and chickens and making that my life. Chase got me a book on raising pigs for Christmas and I have been so excited to read and start researching that kind of a life and the things I need to do and learn to get there.
My struggle right now is whether or not I am ready to shift dreams. Should we suffer through the next couple months of our lease here and move back to get married while house/farm hunting to dive into what we want to do? Or, should we stick with our original plan and move to the next destination? Part of me feels like moving home to really save for our future goals of a farm would be like letting everyone down, because we had spoken so much about our big plans to move everywhere and experience everything. But lately, Chase has been stressed at work to the point that he is beginning to lose passion for food and being in the kitchen which is breaking my heart. I’ve become tired of my routine here, as well as missing my family. I love the family and life we have built for ourselves in Charleston, but I am having a very difficult time comprehending that this chapter of our lives should end soon.
How does one make the decision to shift gears and go in a completely different direction when they had been so sure of what they wanted before? I shouldn’t really make any drastic decisions while under the influence of fury from apartment’s incompetence. But the whole situation has made me put things in perspective. What am I doing in these apartments still and what is my end game in Charleston? What is future plan here, Briana?! Maybe moving closing to my family again and pursuing the farm is the best idea for us if that is really what we want to do? Why not, right?
I just never want to move back home and get stuck in a cycle that most people from our town fall into. He will stereotypically begin working at the town’s chemical plant to save money and I will get whatever quick job I can to save money and we will get pregnant and comfortable and never leave. I am too pessimistic. 2015 so far has been all about hating everything; it isn’t a good look on me.
I am thinking too much, goodnight.
This is basically an irrelevant post. I am going to share a dream that I had last night that scared the shit out of me. I don’t want to rip this dream apart and over-analyze it, because the meaning is probably scarier than the dream itself.
In the beginning I was on a trip in Paris with many people from my past, mostly close friends that I don’t speak to anymore. I fell in the mud numerous times while waiting in line to ride a horse, but mud didn’t seem to be anywhere else. I was the only one that was stuck, and they all looked at me like I embarrassed them. They chose to take the horse rides without me and did not wait for me to finish mine before moving on to their site-seeing. I felt hurt and then my dream jumped to costume shopping in San Francisco with an old co-worker. We weren’t having any luck at the store and exited to the street where a man was being jumped by a couple of street robbers. I immediately start running, when I hear gun shots and see blood spatter in front of me, I drop to the floor and squint my eyes in the direction of the thieves. I pray that I won’t get hurt, but one of the men shoots me in the head. The only thing that I could think of was whether or not I would survive in order to go to a Halloween party. I touched my wound and it was warm and there was blood pouring onto the street ahead of me.
And then I woke up. I didn’t die in my dream, but holy shit I got shot. I woke up oddly content for a person who had just been shot, too. In my life I have had some weird/morbid dreams, but I don’t think that any of them can top this. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it all day. I am one step away from reading Freud’s The Interpretation of Dreams to feel less crazy. However, I did look up what being shot in the head could symbolize and the response seemed to be that it was “self-punishment.” What have done recently that deserves punishing?
Then again, I am covered in bug bites and did double up on Benadryl before bed.