Update on Sobriety.

Well here it is guys, the update on my sobriety that nobody asked for. Long story short, I failed. I don’t even think I made it through a full week after my original blog post about calming down without drinking. To top it all off, I got totally trashed at the wedding, commandeered the SHARED hotel bathroom I had with my IN-LAWS (!!!) to throw-up all over it after the wedding.

The night started off well, I nursed one drink and hung out with his parents and enjoyed the wedding. The wedding party, which Chase was a part of, toasted with forties, and they so kindly shared them with close friends of the wedding party, including myself. Thats when it went downhill. By the end of the night, the wedding party and their friends were the last ones standing and if my memory serves me correctly, we all surrounded the bar for the last hour of the reception taking shots of whatever the bartender would give us. I feel less embarrassed about that,  because everyone was trashed, we all went shot for shot with each other and we were all having a great, wasted time. But then I black out. One second I am taking a shot at the bar and the next second I am crying in the bathroom of the hotel surrounded by my own vomit after clogging the toilet.

The next morning, I woke up mortified. I had slept in the clothes I was meant to wear home that day instead of my pajamas, the rest of my clothes were hanging all over the bathroom to dry because I had tried to clean the mess with them , and all of the towels were in a heap behind the door. I began to have little flashbacks of things that happened in there and I bawled out of embarrassment. Chase and his parents didn’t seem to be upset with me, but fuck me, I felt so stupid. Chase assured me that at the wedding I was a good time and everyone was on the same wavelength, so thankfully my only source of shame came from the aftermath in the hotel. HOWEVER, it should have never gotten that far.

My brain is missing the censor in it that other people have that tells them to slow down when they need to. I’m convinced of it. Normal people can feel a buzz and relax and sip their drip, because they know they are feeling good. I feel buzz and think that I have to keep drinking or I will lose it. My issue has always been inability to regulate my intake, I want to keep feeling good all night and the voice inside that reminds me that “hey, if you keep drinking you’ll embarrass yourself,” gets silenced.

Is it addiction when you know you have a problem to fix and you neglect to take care of it, anyways? How come I can’t get my shit together. I vowed to stop drinking that morning, but have since drank. its been a month and I have had no more than two drinks per week, and have not gotten drunk either. I hope to keep this control going. My weaknesses are open bars, we will see how I act at the wedding we attend next month. I am not going to make any promises about not getting too drunk and controlling myself, because I seem to like disappointing myself.

Eh.

 

 

 

Drink Responsibly?

I often worry that I may be an alcoholic. Dependency runs in my family and I was raised with the knowledge that addiction wouldn’t be out of the question, due to my families history. I never felt like I was addicted to anything, nor do I REALLY believe that I am an alcoholic, but occasionally I wake up after a night of drinking and cringe.
It’s the cringe that worries me. I have never done anything truly bad while drinking other than start the occasional fight with my husband for no reason, but it’s been a very long time since I have done that.
When we lived in Charleston, there were extended periods of time when I would go out and drink days in a row. After a lot of those nights I would go home and vent to my husband about all the little things that annoy me and a fight would begin. He never held it against me the next day, but I always felt awful about it.
Ever since moving to Chicago I haven’t had a single night like that. This led me to reflect upon reasons for more responsible drinking in Chicago, and all I can come up with is that I am way less bored in Chicago. In Charleston, Chase worked a schedule that kept him at work for over fifteen hours a day and I was alone most of the time. I felt alone most of the time and anxious about the amount of time we actually spent together. In Chicago, we both go to work early and are both home together for dinner every night. We both have groups of friends here that we spend time with and go out with on occasion, as well, which is something neither of us had in Charleston.
The amount that I drink has dramatically decreased since I have moved from Charleston, but once in a while I will still drink too much. I wake up with a miserable hungover, I can’t remember conversations that I had with the people that I went out with, I have specific memories of thoughts when I knew should stop drinking but continued to, because I like to be the life of the party. That being said, I have never missed work, lost friends, done anything illegal, or really done anything life ruining while drunk, I’m just starting to realize that it’s not so cool to be 28 and wasted in public and miserable the next day.

I love a good cocktail and really enjoy a nice cold beer. I like the social aspect of drinking on a patio on a warm summers day. I don’t want to stop drinking all together, but I really want to get myself to a place where I can recognize that I enjoyed my cocktail or my cold beer and then I can stop. I don’t always have to drink to get buzzed and that’s okay.

For the next month I would like to try to drink water only, and then reintroduce drinking as treat and not as a necessity. We have a wedding that we are going home for next month and those are usually triggers for me, I love the open bar and I love dancing with all the people I haven’t seen in a long time. In that setting I am not the only one who is very drunk, but it is okay for me to not be that drunk, too. I need to learn. I also have plans to spend time with my group of childhood friends, which also turns into an out until last call kind of night, which is fun, but that doesn’t mean I need to be stumbling home.

In conclusion, I am aware that I may have an issue with alcohol consumption and I am making it my goal to go home to this wedding and spending time with old friends without getting trashed. And having made this goal a thing that I can look back at as a reminder of how bad I feel when this happens, hopefully it’ll keep me honest. If not, it will be time to completely reevaluate my relationship with alcohol.

The Art of Consuming Alcohol

Many have mastered it, but I am not one of the few. I am a 25 year old woman and I have an unhealthy relationship with drinking. I vary between stages of enjoying a beer or two and drinking until I can’t remember coming home. I have always had a problem with understanding my limits and I feel that as I get older my understanding grows worse.
I live with a man who wants to be my husband, and it’s gotten to the point where I can’t go out with my friends and come back trashed and think it’s funny or cute, that’s not how a wife should act. Not a wife that he deserves, anyway.
Recently (and by recently I mean 2 days ago) I decided that I needed to start a journey to health. Mind, body, and spirit or something like that. I have been in a weird place lately and feel that becoming healthier in all Aspects will help. And as part of my journey I have decided that cutting all drinking out for a month to text how great my body ( and my wallet) will after that time. I do enjoy a good beer or a delicious cocktail from time to time so I don’t anticipate never drinking again, I just think I need to cut it off as reintroduce myself to it in a healthier way. Let’s see if I can hold myself to it.