Well here it is guys, the update on my sobriety that nobody asked for. Long story short, I failed. I don’t even think I made it through a full week after my original blog post about calming down without drinking. To top it all off, I got totally trashed at the wedding, commandeered the SHARED hotel bathroom I had with my IN-LAWS (!!!) to throw-up all over it after the wedding.
The night started off well, I nursed one drink and hung out with his parents and enjoyed the wedding. The wedding party, which Chase was a part of, toasted with forties, and they so kindly shared them with close friends of the wedding party, including myself. Thats when it went downhill. By the end of the night, the wedding party and their friends were the last ones standing and if my memory serves me correctly, we all surrounded the bar for the last hour of the reception taking shots of whatever the bartender would give us. I feel less embarrassed about that, because everyone was trashed, we all went shot for shot with each other and we were all having a great, wasted time. But then I black out. One second I am taking a shot at the bar and the next second I am crying in the bathroom of the hotel surrounded by my own vomit after clogging the toilet.
The next morning, I woke up mortified. I had slept in the clothes I was meant to wear home that day instead of my pajamas, the rest of my clothes were hanging all over the bathroom to dry because I had tried to clean the mess with them , and all of the towels were in a heap behind the door. I began to have little flashbacks of things that happened in there and I bawled out of embarrassment. Chase and his parents didn’t seem to be upset with me, but fuck me, I felt so stupid. Chase assured me that at the wedding I was a good time and everyone was on the same wavelength, so thankfully my only source of shame came from the aftermath in the hotel. HOWEVER, it should have never gotten that far.
My brain is missing the censor in it that other people have that tells them to slow down when they need to. I’m convinced of it. Normal people can feel a buzz and relax and sip their drip, because they know they are feeling good. I feel buzz and think that I have to keep drinking or I will lose it. My issue has always been inability to regulate my intake, I want to keep feeling good all night and the voice inside that reminds me that “hey, if you keep drinking you’ll embarrass yourself,” gets silenced.
Is it addiction when you know you have a problem to fix and you neglect to take care of it, anyways? How come I can’t get my shit together. I vowed to stop drinking that morning, but have since drank. its been a month and I have had no more than two drinks per week, and have not gotten drunk either. I hope to keep this control going. My weaknesses are open bars, we will see how I act at the wedding we attend next month. I am not going to make any promises about not getting too drunk and controlling myself, because I seem to like disappointing myself.