Annual resolution post…

It’s about time for my once a year New Year’s post. I figured I would get a jump on it a little early this year. Previously, I have made goals for myself that I have not achieved, 2017 was no different. I never figured out who I was or found a hobby or even tried to contemplate what I bring to the table. I wanted to focus more on writing and really have a head start in pursuing that, which I also didn’t do.

I have lived in three different states the over the last seven years and I am never quite sure when I will be leaving each state. I have let this looming unknown dictate how I run my life. I have passed up promotions, friendships, vacations, etc., because I am never sure how permanent my situation will be. Recently, like yesterday recently, I learned that my husband has been doing the same thing. He doesn’t want to start anything too long term in the states that we have been in, because they aren’t our home. Hearing him say this out loud initially upset me, but I realized I had been doing the same thing. I have even told people that ask me why I haven’t moved up in the company I work for that it is because I am waiting until we move home. Well, in 2018 we will be moving back “home”. We will be surrounded by our family again and trying to lay roots of our own, finally. Travelling has been incredible and I have learned a lot, but it will be nice to make a little more money and maybe go on some vacations, oh yeah, and achieve previous goals I have set. I have been setting goals for myself that I somehow knew I would not reach, because deep down I wasn’t ready to start pursuing them. That being said, I will not be setting any work or hobby related goals for myself this year. I just always end up disappointed this time of year.

Now, to take a complete one-eighty from work, I would like my goal this year to be to find out what body positivity means to me.

I hate myself. I get depressed every time I see a candid picture, getting dressed in the morning is a struggle, I am fully aware at all times of the food I am putting in my mouth and how it will negatively affect my waistline. The anxiety of obsessing over my meals and what is healthy and what isn’t healthy is becoming an all-consuming constant in my life and I would like to murder that obsession and throw into a lake.

I joined a gym a little over a year ago and Chase and I really threw ourselves into it, we had a great routine that lasted about a month and half. Then Chase hurt his back and I had no motivation to go on my own. I started to work at a new location while all of this was going on and my walk to work went from five minutes to over two miles there and back each day, which I was considering a perk since it totaled over thirty minutes of walking. Somewhere along the way I began to confuse my stroll to work with real exercise and treated my diet that way as well.

At the same time, I tried to embrace body positivity, which I don’t fully understand, and I challenged myself for a week to put on an outfit and leave it on, no matter what rolls were showing. This was liberating. It was the easiest week I had in a while. I threw clothes on, smiled at myself, ate what I felt like, and went on about my day. I liked it so much that I extended my weeklong trial into almost a month, until I realized that I was gaining weight. I was heavier than I was when I started and my clothes were starting to look less flattering than they were before. I noticed new rolls on my stomach that hadn’t been there two months before. This sent me over the edge. I started stressing about my outfits again and I couldn’t stop constantly thinking about AND eating food. I haven’t been able to recover.

So this year, I want to work on a healthy relationship with food, I want to stop OBSESSING, and most importantly I want to learn to love my body. I understand that being body positive doesn’t mean you just let yourself go and love it anyways, it means loving yourself enough to nourish it and take care of it, with some wiggle room. Well, actually as I stated before I don’t understand body positivity at all, but I am going to learn.  I assume it also means when you slip up and cant get it together you don’t shame yourself, you allow yourself the slip up and learn from it. I don’t know. I hope that I am not the only one who doesn’t get it.

 

Goodbye 2017, overall you were great, but I need a real health check for 2018.

(maybe a little minor goal will be to close out blog posts better…)

 

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Building a Better Me

I have been in a personal slump lately. I can’t seem to relax, or find things funny, and I am SO lazy. I am tired of feeling miserable. As a part of a personal mission over the next week I am going to put make up on and do my hair every day for a week. This doesn’t sound like much, but I rarely do make up or hair anymore. I roll out of bed, have breakfast, then throw my hair however it will cooperate and go to work.

I am not saying that you need to wear make up to feel pretty and less lazy, but I am doing this in hopes that it will give me a little boost.  A goal to put effort into myself should help me appreciate myself. I have been attempting to lose weight and change my diet and “be healthy” nutritionally, with little to no results for about a year now. I think my attempt at a healthier life needs to start on the outside first, for effort, then can work its way in. If I try to make myself look and feel better then I hope the rest will follow.

As my plan to change my lifestyle continues, I hope to add new things to it each week as continue to grow like until being happy and healthy seems like less of a pain in the ass. This week I will start with appreciating and embracing my outer appearance, and next week I will try to incorporate a new work out a day for the week. While sitting here typing this out I feel a rush of energy. I think starting small and building up might be the right way to tackle this, going head first into something very different hasn’t proven right for me. It is now time for a real change!

Fried Green Tomatoes

I’m in the midst of one of the laziest weeks I have had in a while. It has been the absolute best. Since Thanksgiving I have felt like I’ve been non-stop so to take these past few days for myself has been much needed, more so than I thought. Anyways, I have been spending my time meal prepping, wedding planning (getting addresses is exhausting!), watching movies, and I have even worked out a bit. Amazing, I know, I can’t believe I worked out either. My arms have been sore the past two days which is exactly what I need to change to feel a little better in my wedding dress!
So, today I watched the movie Fried Green Tomatoes, it was so good. I can’t believe I have lived my whole life without seeing this movie. It was so inspiring. A movie about strong women loving and encouraging each other was what I needed. I loved watching Kathy Bates character, Evelyn, grow through her relationship with Ninny and the stories she told of Idgie and Ruth. These girls were a wild pair that did what they wanted despite how society told them to live their lives at the time and they were so happy doing it. They had big hearts and deeply cared for the people around them and it came through in Ninny’s tales. I am not going to break down the whole movie, but after finishing it I feel happy and at ease. It seems slightly silly, but after watching Evelyn grow into her own powerful woman I feel like I can conquer anything as well. I’m neither ignored by my significant other nor afraid to speak out about what’s on my mind, but If Evelyn can learn to speak her mind and get her unhappy ass to a gym to take charge, then damn it, so can I! Every time I feel lazy or down on myself I’ll just have to channel my inner Towanda. Such a funny word can take up so much meaning. Watching Kathy Bates smash into the younger woman’s car screaming “Towanda!” was one of the funniest scenes I had watched in a long time.
My lazy week will soon come to a close tonight (what? But it’s only Friday?). I start work again tomorrow at 5 am and don’t have another day off until next Friday! Wish me luck; it’s hard to stay on track with my healthy eating when I work up and down hours all over the place. Hopefully all the meal prepping I did can keep me in line for the first few days or so. By the way, what is meal prepping anyway? I made a bunch of chicken that I put in a plastic container in my fridge, along with prepped veggies and spinach. Am I doing it right?

Towanda.

I am lazy.

This evening I have come to harsh realization that I am lazy. And not in the funny “I just worked all day so I don’t feel like doing anything right now,” lazy. I’m just plain lazy. And while everything in my life that I have half-assed has always turned out all right, its been a rockier journey than it needed to be.

When it comes to having a job, I am by no means lazy. I enjoy working and I like personal interaction and bringing home a paycheck. I like to look good for my coworkers and I like it when my boss can count on me to do well for whichever company I am working at. My most recent job was Starbucks and I was great at being a coffee slave, I miss it quite a bit actually…

When it comes to personal relationships, I am semi lazy. I can fix things with my boyfriend well and I am very close with my sisters, parents, aunts, and cousins. These are relationships that are mostly easy to maintain. My ideal friendships are those that don’t require much work. My closest friends are the friends that I can call once a month to check in with and see maybe once every two months, but we are all okay with it. I don’t like needy friendships that require a lot of work, because I am not a needy person myself. If I have a friend that needs to be invited everywhere and updated on the latest t-shirt I bought its a friendship that doesn’t last for me. I’m slightly selfish I suppose.

When it comes to education…I AM SO LAZY! I don’t know where my motivational gene for education went, but I haven’t seen it since 7th grade. I like to do enough to get by. As long as I was passing I was content. I took my time at junior college, because working and staying out and not studying were more appealing than studying, of course. when the time came to apply to college, I applied to only 2 schools. I was told by a counselor at my JC that all State schools will have the same requirements and that I was on track to transfer. When my first acceptance letter to Sacramento State came, I waited to respond, because I was holding out for the school I preferred to go to. BUT that state school was a little more picky and did not accept me. By the time the rejection letter came it was too late to let Sacramento State know I would go there, so I had to wait another semester to transfer. And I knew to transfer because a friend who I transferred with told me that they were accepting spring applications and she found a place for us to move and everything. Anyways….it took me a while to graduate once I was in college, because I didn’t fully apply myself. I got a D in a class I needed for my major and I didn’t fight hard enough to get a class that I was on the wait list for, which also set me back another semester. It was so easy to blame the system for everything going wrong, because it was partially the systems fault, but mostly my lack of ambition. I never got an internship with my major, either. I needed to work. I didn’t have the money to cut back my hours to both work and intern. At the time this seemed like such a good idea.

Fast forward to a month after I graduated and walked and thought I had left college in the dust…I received a letter that told me I was 2 fucking units short and did not actually graduate. Apparently you can take everything that is required and still be short of unit requirements, which doesn’t make fucking sense. But I am sure that it is my fault that I missed that in the paperwork somewhere. So I signed up for a class online for the summer semester (because I was moving out of the state that week) and was wait listed. I called the school and learned that I could take an independent study course online for cheaper and transfer the units, which I opted to do. PERFECT. Problem solved.

Today I received a letter that I owed Sac State over one thousand dollars for my summer class that I never even knew I was officially registered in. I always assumed that when you don’t log in for the first day or pay your fees or get told that you got enrolled in a class that you weren’t in the fucking class. But there is that lazy thing again…it is my own fault for not checking back.

To top it off I can’t get a job with my degree so easily, because I don’t have any experience with anything due to lack of interning. Oh boy, I tell ya, if I could go back and re-do some things I WOULD! At what point in someones life do they realize “Hey, self, being lazy isn’t REALLY paying off!?” I am really frustrated and embarrassed with myself today over the choices that I have made leading me to this post. I hope that by publicly putting out my least flattering quality that it will help me to improve it. I can’t even begin to think about having to explain away and feel regret for lazy decisions I have made for the rest of my life, or to my future husband or kids or employers.

Maybe it’s about time to grow up and take control of things I have let slide. Anyone know of any motivational self-help books?

Today I feel lame.