Sometimes I feel like I am banging my head into a wall. Repeatedly. I expect a different outcome as I carelessly wind up and ram into it, again. The blow is never softer. I can only hit it so many times before I pass out, bleed out, or black out. Dramatic? Perhaps. Is the drama necessary? Always.

My husband is a friendly guy. He’s the life of the party without trying. People seem to be drawn to him, whether it is to share aversion or admiration of his ridiculous humor. I find the trait to be endearing, I like that people like him, it makes me feel liked by association. However, for the entirety of our relationship I’d say he finds himself in deeper friendships with women. It makes me uncomfortable. Whether its the girl he grew up with and was in love with until he met me or the women he works with, there is a revolving door of other women he engages with regularly. Women will text him things like “missed you at work today”, “I’m bummed we don’t work together tomorrow!”, things about who they’re sleeping with in the kitchen, personal shit, etc. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I don’t want other women texting my husband that they missed him. I don’t give a shit if I am with him every second of the day and know they aren’t sleeping together, I never want to see that someone other than his mother is texting him “Missed you.”

In Chicago, he has a small group of friends that he’s made and one of them is female. Her and I over time have become friends, too. I know they don’t have anything beyond friendship going on, but he will draw stupid cartoons and leave them for her to find the next day at work and she’ll take pictures and post them on social media, or she’ll post pictures of him doing something at work. I hate checking my instagram to find pictures of things my husband is doing through another women, even if it is something as stupid and small as a dumb “this place sucks” cartoon he draws.

I’ve expressed to him that it makes me feel insecure when I see this happen, and he replies with “Im sorry, but she’s just my friend, its a stupid picture.” Which, duh, I understand that, however if it makes me uncomfortable then that’s kind of that, right? A server he worked with once told me that I was the real winner of the Super Bowl, because I got to go home to him every night, and it took 4 months and me having a total breakdown to get him to understand that I didn’t want him texting her or going out with her. She even slept with his coworkers that were in relationships and he still didn’t understand what made me uncomfortable. Another woman would text him daily her excitement about the days they’d work together, he also didn’t understand why that would make me uncomfortable. It’s stuff like that. I express to him that I am uncomfortable, he continues to exhibit the behavior that makes me uncomfortable, I continue to feel like his connections with these other women matter more to him than our connection, and then I explode. It is only after I explode like a jealous, psycho freak that he understands and backs off.

Today, the new friend posted about him three separate times. I text him to ask why she keeps finding things around work that he’s leaving for her to post on instagram and he says it’s just pictures it doesn’t matter. He thinks I’m being jealous and it’s a new thing that we’ve never experienced or talked about before. He told me he feels like I don’t trust him, which he doesn’t understand. And I told him that each time I have another conversation with him about feeling like he puts other women before me that I absolutely do not trust that he cares about my feelings.

I can’t continue to have this conversation with him. I just cannot. I have male friends but I’m not texting them, I’m not posting things they’re doing for me (not that they’re doing things for me) for him to see, I’m not talking to them about deeply personal things.

To whomever reads this, I understand if you think I am a little neurotic. Maybe I am, but I don’t want to feel like I come second any longer. I really can’t keep telling him that.




Building a Better Me

I have been in a personal slump lately. I can’t seem to relax, or find things funny, and I am SO lazy. I am tired of feeling miserable. As a part of a personal mission over the next week I am going to put make up on and do my hair every day for a week. This doesn’t sound like much, but I rarely do make up or hair anymore. I roll out of bed, have breakfast, then throw my hair however it will cooperate and go to work.

I am not saying that you need to wear make up to feel pretty and less lazy, but I am doing this in hopes that it will give me a little boost.  A goal to put effort into myself should help me appreciate myself. I have been attempting to lose weight and change my diet and “be healthy” nutritionally, with little to no results for about a year now. I think my attempt at a healthier life needs to start on the outside first, for effort, then can work its way in. If I try to make myself look and feel better then I hope the rest will follow.

As my plan to change my lifestyle continues, I hope to add new things to it each week as continue to grow like until being happy and healthy seems like less of a pain in the ass. This week I will start with appreciating and embracing my outer appearance, and next week I will try to incorporate a new work out a day for the week. While sitting here typing this out I feel a rush of energy. I think starting small and building up might be the right way to tackle this, going head first into something very different hasn’t proven right for me. It is now time for a real change!

A Typical New Year’s Resolution

I am writing this post before the New Year as a jump-start to my New Year’s resolution. For most of my life I have wanted to be a writer, but never pursued it. When my fiancé and I made the decision to move across the country everyone told me that I should blog about my everyday adventures, but I didn’t. The story of my life seems to revolve around a list of things I haven’t done. I have previously written about how I am tired of procrastinating and lazy, but I still haven’t done anything about it (go figure). For 2015, I really hope to improve my lifestyle.
My fiancé, Chase, has a tagline for his life which is simply the word “lifestyles,” this has taken on new meaning to my own life over the past year. This word started as a bit of a headache for me, but quickly became something I embraced. One of our favorite things to say is “that is SO lifestyles,” I have no idea how to explain what this even means to someone who isn’t around us, but it works for us. My life will be lived to the full potential of lifestyles. I need to begin by improving my health. Chase and I both have slipped away from any form of a healthy lifestyle. Neither of us work out, we don’t eat well, and we have a very unhealthy sleep schedule. We are often tired and lazy and we are becoming fed up with feeling this way. We have decided together to become healthy for 2015 and I am very excited for the adventure.
Secondly, I would like to start using this blog more often. Last year (well, this year), I had a lot going on in my life. I am engaged and across the country from anyone in my family trying to plan a wedding. My family and Chase’s family are very close, so both of our mothers have strong opinions on how this wedding should go which I am thankful for, but also stressed out about. It’s nice to know that I have the support and excitement from two separate families, but it is so hard to appease everyone in the process while trying not to hurt anyone’s feelings. Anyways, it would have been nice to share the ups and downs of planning on FaceTime, text message and Google docs in real time. In addition to wedding planning, there are plenty of other things going on that I wish I could document and ideas I want to share for either myself or anyone who cares to read.
Thirdly, I need a second job of some sort. Financially we are comfortable, but we have no wiggle room. So the third goal is to either learn how to save money better than I do now or to get a second job. I barely see Chase enough as it is so I am not sure how working two jobs will fit into that equation, but a girls gotta do what a girls gotta do, right?
I know that none of this shit makes sense and that I ramble and that my thoughts aren’t necessarily complete, but I’ll figure it out. My priority is to blog more, it’ll make my life seem more exciting. The first step is blogging again within the next 20 days, that’ll be a record for me! On that note, I hope everybody had a great 2014!

Bring it on, 2015.