Sometimes I feel like I am banging my head into a wall. Repeatedly. I expect a different outcome as I carelessly wind up and ram into it, again. The blow is never softer. I can only hit it so many times before I pass out, bleed out, or black out. Dramatic? Perhaps. Is the drama necessary? Always.
My husband is a friendly guy. He’s the life of the party without trying. People seem to be drawn to him, whether it is to share aversion or admiration of his ridiculous humor. I find the trait to be endearing, I like that people like him, it makes me feel liked by association. However, for the entirety of our relationship I’d say he finds himself in deeper friendships with women. It makes me uncomfortable. Whether its the girl he grew up with and was in love with until he met me or the women he works with, there is a revolving door of other women he engages with regularly. Women will text him things like “missed you at work today”, “I’m bummed we don’t work together tomorrow!”, things about who they’re sleeping with in the kitchen, personal shit, etc. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I don’t want other women texting my husband that they missed him. I don’t give a shit if I am with him every second of the day and know they aren’t sleeping together, I never want to see that someone other than his mother is texting him “Missed you.”
In Chicago, he has a small group of friends that he’s made and one of them is female. Her and I over time have become friends, too. I know they don’t have anything beyond friendship going on, but he will draw stupid cartoons and leave them for her to find the next day at work and she’ll take pictures and post them on social media, or she’ll post pictures of him doing something at work. I hate checking my instagram to find pictures of things my husband is doing through another women, even if it is something as stupid and small as a dumb “this place sucks” cartoon he draws.
I’ve expressed to him that it makes me feel insecure when I see this happen, and he replies with “Im sorry, but she’s just my friend, its a stupid picture.” Which, duh, I understand that, however if it makes me uncomfortable then that’s kind of that, right? A server he worked with once told me that I was the real winner of the Super Bowl, because I got to go home to him every night, and it took 4 months and me having a total breakdown to get him to understand that I didn’t want him texting her or going out with her. She even slept with his coworkers that were in relationships and he still didn’t understand what made me uncomfortable. Another woman would text him daily her excitement about the days they’d work together, he also didn’t understand why that would make me uncomfortable. It’s stuff like that. I express to him that I am uncomfortable, he continues to exhibit the behavior that makes me uncomfortable, I continue to feel like his connections with these other women matter more to him than our connection, and then I explode. It is only after I explode like a jealous, psycho freak that he understands and backs off.
Today, the new friend posted about him three separate times. I text him to ask why she keeps finding things around work that he’s leaving for her to post on instagram and he says it’s just pictures it doesn’t matter. He thinks I’m being jealous and it’s a new thing that we’ve never experienced or talked about before. He told me he feels like I don’t trust him, which he doesn’t understand. And I told him that each time I have another conversation with him about feeling like he puts other women before me that I absolutely do not trust that he cares about my feelings.
I can’t continue to have this conversation with him. I just cannot. I have male friends but I’m not texting them, I’m not posting things they’re doing for me (not that they’re doing things for me) for him to see, I’m not talking to them about deeply personal things.
To whomever reads this, I understand if you think I am a little neurotic. Maybe I am, but I don’t want to feel like I come second any longer. I really can’t keep telling him that.