They sat silently in their apartment, both half watching TV and half engrossed in their phones. He went into the kitchen to check on dinner, then made his way to the window where he proceeded to close it and draw the blinds. She knew what was coming next. “We’ve got a little time before dinner is ready, you wanna…” He motioned towards the bed without coming near her or actually using the word “sex.” He never did. He always asked as if it were a bad word.
She quickly thought about how long it had been since the last time they had sex and muttered “sure,” unenthusiastically in return. He threw his clothes off and sat eagerly on the bed waiting for her. She stood slowly and took her clothes off of herself uncomfortably while he just watched and waited. He pulled her into him and began to kiss her, moving back slowly as he did so, prompting her to move with him and on top of him. They began to kiss, passionately; this was her favorite part of foreplay, the initial connection. It usually started with her wishing that he had taken charge, initiated more romantically, seemed interested in getting her going first, but that being said, she wasn’t initiating it either so she didn’t want to ask for too much.
“Rub your hands down my body.” He whispered into her ear, leaving a trail of kisses back to her lips. He reached his arms over his head and laid out, enjoying each touch and eagerly waiting the next movement. A sigh would escape his lips occasionally, encouragement for her to keep going. Watching him take pleasure in the way she touched his body brought her more confidence, she kissed and stroked with growing authority. She reached down between their bodies to touch him more intimately to which he barked “no!” without explanation. His tense body relaxed quickly as he laid his head back down waiting for her to continue.
She felt embarrassed and confused though. She struggled to kiss his chest and lowered herself further to mask what she thought might be tears coming. She tried to breathe deeply to fight them off. Why would he bark at me? She kept asking herself obsessively, unable to focus on anything else. He gently pushed her head down to where he wanted it be, it was the first time he had touched her in minutes. Reluctantly and unexcitedly she took him into her mouth. “Look at me,” he demanded.
She shook her head ‘no’. It was a little too porn star for the mood she was in. he said it again, “Please baby, look at me while you’re doing that.” Her frustration grew. She ignored the request and continued. But couldn’t help but wonder if he even enjoyed it since she wasn’t listening. “Babe, please.” He repeated for a third time.
She stopped and looked right into his eyes, “No.” For lack of wanting to kiss him on the lips again, she took her time making her way back to his mouth. When their lips found each other again, he flipped her over and went right down to between her legs. “No, it’s okay, I am not in the mood for that.” She ran her fingers through his hair and rubbed his back, trying to pull him back up to her. He resisted and instead decided to kiss her thighs and around her sex to convince her that she wanted more.
She sighed out of frustration. She couldn’t even think about what he was doing, because she wished they were touching and kissing and not forcing this to happen. He dipped between her legs again, she tensed; he mistook this action for pleasure. “See, I thought you said you weren’t in the mood.” He smiled and it upset her.
“I’m not, you can stop now.” She pulled him back. He pecked her lips a few more times before reaching for a condom. He struggled to put it on and by the time he had it, he had lost his erection. He tried to enter her a few times before giving up, then angrily got off the bed and left the room, leaving her there naked by herself without explanation.
She didn’t move. She waited for him to comeback before she began to redress. He pulled her back onto the bed and laid his head on her chest. “I want sex to be better. I want to feel like you’re into it.” He expressed. “I don’t know what to do, because I am the only one who ever initiates.”
In her head she was getting angrier with each word. She wouldn’t consider pointing to the bed while closing the blinds initiating. She wouldn’t consider watching her undress herself while he sits and waits initiating. She wouldn’t think that yelling “no” at her without explanation leads to good sex. She didn’t believe that needing to tell your partner “no” multiple times to the same sex act during foreplay would lead to good sex. “Well you barked at me and embarrassed the hell out of me and then asked me multiple times to do something I had already said ‘no’ to. I don’t know what you want you want from me.”
“I knew the second I asked you to look at me it was over.” He griped.
“Why did you ask two more times after that then?”
“I don’t know. I just want this to be more fun. I want our sex life to be better. Don’t you? I want to talk about what we like and want more.”
Communication and understanding is what he wanted? This confused her. She had been yelled at and she had told him no more times than she should have to different things. What wasn’t she communicating? She had listened to his “no,” maybe if he had listened to hers she would have been a little more free and comfortable to enjoy sex. However, instead of saying that to him, she mumbled, “Yeah, I want it to be better.” And stared at the ceiling as he rolled off the bed and out of the room. Her chest grew tight and she felt tears coming.
Sex shouldn’t feel this way.