One-Eighty

In an interesting turn of events yesterday I found myself wanting to tell my husband to sleep with other people. Something that is embarrassing for me to admit is that we only find ourselves fighting about sex. He wants it all the time and I actually never want it. I understand how horrible that has to make him feel knowing that his wife never wants to initiate sex with him, but it’s not really his fault. I don’t actually know what it is.

I would say the first half of our relationship was great in that aspect, and this second half has just dropped off for me. I am attracted to him, I fantasize about it with him, but when it comes down to the act of it, it exhausts me. It feels mentally taxing to engage in intercourse now and I can’t fight my way around it.

If i had to pinpoint a cause, it would be when we moved in together. I became his mom and his girlfriend in the same day. I started to realize how messy he was and how little he did to help out around the apartment. At first, it was fine, I wasn’t working so it made sense for him to work crazy hours and for me to tend to our apartment. Once I began working again, however, the chores never split. It remained that I was the housekeeper and the cook and did the laundry and made sure we had groceries. This is a theme that, years later, hasn’t changed. I’ve told him that being his mom and being his significant other can’t work me. I can’t clean up after him all day and then want to be intimate with him at night, anyone else have this problem?? We’ll have that talk, we’ll both understand what we need in the moment, I need him to either help out more or appreciate all that I do for us and he needs me to be more sexual for him. Seems fair.

We fall into a place where he’ll cook dinner then say things like “Okay help me with the dishes since I cooked!” Or, “I made the bed this morning and did the dishes before I went to work!” Expecting a gold star. It infuriates me that he does a fraction of the things I do everyday, but he expects so much praise in return. I literally do not get a pat on the back every time I time I pick his underwear up from RIGHT NEXT to the hamper, or pick up his Q-tips that can’t quite make it into the garbage.

I know I am making us both out to look bad, but I have noticed among friends and while reading relationship articles that it is typical for the man in their lives to expect praise for doing normal tasks. He’ll do all of these things until we finally have regular sex, then get complacent again, because he got the result he wanted.  Once we get into the boring routine again it’s like he forgets what we had talked about before in regards to my needs.

This time, however, we’ve been great. We have been communicating and laughing and supporting each other, but for whatever reason with the impending pregnancy news neither of us had sex on the brain. Now that that possibility is gone, I just haven’t gotten back in the mood. We argued again about how I don’t initiate and how he doesn’t work to get me in the mood he just randomly announces that the wants it and gets discouraged when that’s not enough for me.

I think about sex. I also think about sex with him, but when it comes down to the act my thoughts and body are never on the same page. I don’t actually want him to sleep with other people, but I fear sometimes that I can never be someone who will jump on him when I feel like it. How can I increase my sex drive? How do I make my body catch up to what my brain wishes we were doing? Help.

Advertisements

I’m Going Through Changes

Update: I am not pregnant. I started my period on the 47th day of my cycle which is honestly bonkers. I have never had a very consistent cycle off of birth control, but it has never been THAT off before.  My last post expressed fear for the potential of bringing a life into this world, a lot has changed since then. It has been less than two weeks since I officially announced that I thought I might be pregnant and since then my opinion on being a mother has drastically changed.

The night that I had posted about it I had a long talk with my husband about how this might actually be it, we may be pregnant. I was expecting regret, sadness, and a break down from him. He is so worried about money, moving back to California and getting a second car that I had convinced myself he would freak out more than I did. The response that I got, instead, overwhelmed me with positive emotion. He was sure of himself as he held me and told me it would be alright. He smiled, he was calm, he was ready to find out and begin planning.

I bawled. I wasn’t expecting him to be so calm, at all. We had talked all the time about how we never wanted children and joked about how we could barely afford ourselves. Once he showed me how strong he was in that moment, my mentality shifted. I was ready to go buy a test the next day after work and get our results. We had read that false negatives were a thing, so after the first test was negative I waited a few days and took another, which was also negative. So I told myself I wasn’t pregnant and began to research why I would be so late and why I had been cramping for a week. To shorten a story that I could continue to tell I will just say this, a few ups and downs and another pregnancy test later I found myself officially negative. I cried.

I had pictured myself pregnant, I had planned how we’d tell our parents, I knew the timing was right for moving home and being around our family. My best friend is getting married out of state at the end of the year and the timeline would have fit perfectly postpartum to travel still. It seemed like a breath of fresh air for a moment, like it was all perfectly fitting into place even if we hadn’t planned for it. I continued you to cry for a couple of minutes, while also laughing at myself for crying, while Chase held me and let me go through it.

Picturing myself as a mother and accepting the reality of it for a brief a week, oddly has helped me grow up. I’ve been dreading moving home to be closer to family, I haven’t been able to picture us settling down and buying a home, I couldn’t figure out what it all meant to have more responsibility other than renting a studio in a busy city with no one to worry about but myself. I know that having a pregnancy scare doesn’t make me someone who has all of that figured out yet, but it opened up my heart to the possibilities of it. I feel emotional even typing this out now.

Chase later informed me that he might be a little more sad than he had let on about not being pregnant after all. He wasn’t sure what that meant and I am also not sure what it means. We were ready to be parents on accident, but I am not sure that it is responsible to do it on purpose at this point. Just knowing that we were ready has brought us closer in a way that I didn’t know we were apart, it is exciting. It seems silly to admit that about someone I chose to marry, but we were on the same page about no kids, so this has changed us a little.

I can’t wait to continue growing and changing with and learning from him. Tonight, writing out my thoughts, I feel grateful for the man that I married, I feel hopeful, and I feel so content.

 

Changes.

Today, and for the past few days actually, my husband has been in a bit of a grumpy mood. This is unusual for him. It hasn’t been consistent, but one grumpy comment a day is way more than I am used to. I knew something weird had to be up today when he snapped on me for not wanted to grill by the lake today during a thunderstorm. In his defense, the storm had not started yet, but the sky was dark, it was humid and the weather app said we were due for a storm at any moment.

After the post grilling blow up, we sat in silence for a while before he jumped up and asked that we go for a walk. He “had to get out of the house.” So he took off and i followed behind him. I walked behind him in silence for a couple blocks until he settled on a random park bench for us to sit on. There, we continued to sit in silence until after what felt like forever he apologized for blowing up on me. He then proceeded to tell me about how maybe pursuing your passion as a career is overload and you’re just supposed to have your passion as a hobby and your career separate. He said he was just exhausted all the time trying to make ends me and wasn’t sure anymore if the life and future he thought he wanted was exactly what he wanted anymore. He thinks a boring job that gives him a good pay check and allows him to maybe travel, be home with me more, or pursue his passion at home, would be a better suited option. A big house, with a yard, and normal hours of work, is how he put it.

Yeah, whatever. That actually sounds like a really normal life choice and path to follow and normally someone would say “yeah I’m on board for the white picket fence dream.”

BUT for the past 5 years we have lived in two different states in studio apartments so that he can have cooking experience and learn and grow in different regions with the end goal of moving home to settle down and open a restaurant. We both signed up for this marriage and partnership together know that the end goal would be time consuming and for life, and we were both okay with that.

For me, the timing to drop this on me was not ideal. I was upset that he had been moody with me for the past week and extra upset that he wanted to have a life changing conversation with me afterwards. I want to support what makes him happy, ultimately, but right now I feel like my world has been rocked. He doesn’t see how what he’s shared is something that would affect me.

I don’t really know why I am posting about this right now. I just feel confused. I am not mad at him, I am just confused. What do I really want then in relation to his new dream?  I don’t know what I want. Maybe that is part of the problem. Maybe him being able to say out loud that he feels like what he is doing with leave him unsatisfied makes me envious that wouldn’t be brave enough to admit something like that. I mean, I know the job that I have now isn’t my forever job, but his decision may push me jump into a forever job sooner than I am ready to dive.

Who knows? Just had to get that out there somewhere. More to come eventually.

 

Kill all the Things

Today is day 4 of my Whole30 adventure and my body feels great, but my attitude is shitty. I am very irritable and on the defensive. I read a lot about doing a Whole30 before I started it and thought to myself there is NO WAY I am going to want to ‘kill all the things’ by only day 4. And I was so wrong. I thought that hit in week two so when I read up on it again today everything seemed to make sense. I spent days 1-3 making fun of Chase for not being able to handle it that soon and today I am thankful that he is busy at work not to witness the monster I have become.
My day hasn’t been particularly bad. Work was slow, I enjoyed my coworkers, all our customers were in great moods, and nothing bad or annoying happened. Chase and I have to lock down a caterer for the wedding, which is exciting, but we both feel like we can’t make any decisions without our families input, because they are paying for it. Unfortunately, everyone is on a different page. We have narrowed it down to two different local eateries that do a whole pig roast which is something we would love, we just have to create menus and price it out. This wouldn’t seem like a big deal if we didn’t have pressure coming from both sides to hurry up and make a decision.
We picked a priest that we grew up with in our church to officiate and went over marriage prep guidelines with him. We were relieved to find that he would allow us to do classes online, because we only get to spend time together between the hours of 11 pm and 2 am and have a hard time with our jobs coordinating time off.
We also picked dates to go home for his sister’s graduation/cousin’s wedding and the dates we will go home for OUR WEDDING . We purchased the first set of tickets and now just have to lock down the dates with our bosses and purchase the wedding month tickets! So that’s all very exciting stuff, a lot of money involved, but exciting nonetheless.
Now back to the stress. I sent a text to the bridesmaid/grooms-maids, who are my sisters and his sisters, with a color palette and dress ideas for them to look for. I told them I was happy as long as they were within those colors. And I assumed the pictures I sent for mismatched ideas would be sufficient. His sisters (who I love) sent pretty structured and darker dresses then I was looking for. I stupidly said they were acceptable thinking to myself it has only been one hour since I sent that text, they are still looking, then I heard a few days later that it what they were getting. So, I was upset with myself for being so relaxed and agreeing to what they had sent. So I sent another text with 6 specific colors and 12 dress options I like. I have been saying “pretty, romantic, and feminine” from the start. And somehow, because I am a spineless jellyfish, I let them know they could keep the dresses in a softer tone as long as they looked for something more flowing first. I am not mad at them. I am confused that the pictures I sent don’t look like the dresses they picked, but I am mad at myself for not saying “no.” They are all going shopping together next week and it is my only hope that my mom can hold it together for me, she’s been on my side and helping me through this whole thing and I am unbelievably thankful to have her through this. Telling someone “no” shouldn’t be this hard, but on DAY 4 OF YOUR WHOLE30 it is! I want it to be over. I just want everyone to agree with me and support me… is that too much to ask?!
In other news we decided to stay in South Carolina for another year once our lease is up. I am hoping the longer we stay the more likely my whole family is to move here. A girl can dream.

Being an Adult is Rough.

My 2015 so far has been hectic. I started off in the best way possible. I went to the restaurant that Chase is sous at and hung out at the bar with the significant others of his work family and toasted and celebrated the New Year with them. It was great. And then the unavoidable hangover hit the morning of January 1st and it has been downhill since then. I didn’t get out of bed until 2 pm, which honestly was awesome. I made a delicious “breakfast” of hash browns, pancakes, and bacon and covered everything in syrup!
Anyways, other than my hangover breakfast I had been in kind of a funk. I wasn’t interested in friends or the things Chase was saying anymore. I had already posted a rant about my stress and my shitty apartments. I had this overwhelming feeling that I couldn’t articulate. I was irritable and I just “couldn’t even.” Aha…really though. We have a lot going on this year, our lease in Charleston is up in May, we get married in California in August, and there is a lot happening in between. We want to start a farm as I previously mentioned but neither of us have a job that allows to pay for more than an apartments rent and groceries. We are comfortable, but have a hard time saving, not to mention I have student loans to worry about.
2015 holds a year of many decisions for us, many very adult decisions we have never been faced with. It has been easy for us to get the things we want, because we haven’t thought bigger picture. Now we actually have to budget, and we have to decide where we want to settle and start a farm and how we are going to get there. We need to decide whether or not we are ready to close the Charleston chapter of our lives. Should we honeymoon after the wedding or set up a “help start our farm” fund for our gift registry? How does paying my students loans work into owning a home? There are just so many things to consider this year that I had never thought about seriously before.
It took me 10 days to figure out that I was being burdened with an incredible amount of financial stress, health stress, and stress about change. At this point, Chase was obviously struggling with how to talk to me since I was acting like a crazy person, so he was relieved when I had finally opened up to him about the things floating around in my head. We had a great talk about the things we want and how to achieve them, slowly but surely we will figure everything out together. No decisions have been made, but at least we are both on the same page.
In other news, I had made a slightly pre-New Year’s resolution to be healthier and so far so good. I kicked it off officially on the first Monday of the New Year and have lost 3 pounds this week. I haven’t added working out into my lifestyle yet, but baby steps, okay? My journey to consistently eat real food AND get Chase to eat real food is a work out enough. As I enter week 2 of #healthylifestyles I hope to work out at least twice, which sounds stupid but it would be a lot for me. Wish me luck!