I’m Going Through Changes

Update: I am not pregnant. I started my period on the 47th day of my cycle which is honestly bonkers. I have never had a very consistent cycle off of birth control, but it has never been THAT off before.  My last post expressed fear for the potential of bringing a life into this world, a lot has changed since then. It has been less than two weeks since I officially announced that I thought I might be pregnant and since then my opinion on being a mother has drastically changed.

The night that I had posted about it I had a long talk with my husband about how this might actually be it, we may be pregnant. I was expecting regret, sadness, and a break down from him. He is so worried about money, moving back to California and getting a second car that I had convinced myself he would freak out more than I did. The response that I got, instead, overwhelmed me with positive emotion. He was sure of himself as he held me and told me it would be alright. He smiled, he was calm, he was ready to find out and begin planning.

I bawled. I wasn’t expecting him to be so calm, at all. We had talked all the time about how we never wanted children and joked about how we could barely afford ourselves. Once he showed me how strong he was in that moment, my mentality shifted. I was ready to go buy a test the next day after work and get our results. We had read that false negatives were a thing, so after the first test was negative I waited a few days and took another, which was also negative. So I told myself I wasn’t pregnant and began to research why I would be so late and why I had been cramping for a week. To shorten a story that I could continue to tell I will just say this, a few ups and downs and another pregnancy test later I found myself officially negative. I cried.

I had pictured myself pregnant, I had planned how we’d tell our parents, I knew the timing was right for moving home and being around our family. My best friend is getting married out of state at the end of the year and the timeline would have fit perfectly postpartum to travel still. It seemed like a breath of fresh air for a moment, like it was all perfectly fitting into place even if we hadn’t planned for it. I continued you to cry for a couple of minutes, while also laughing at myself for crying, while Chase held me and let me go through it.

Picturing myself as a mother and accepting the reality of it for a brief a week, oddly has helped me grow up. I’ve been dreading moving home to be closer to family, I haven’t been able to picture us settling down and buying a home, I couldn’t figure out what it all meant to have more responsibility other than renting a studio in a busy city with no one to worry about but myself. I know that having a pregnancy scare doesn’t make me someone who has all of that figured out yet, but it opened up my heart to the possibilities of it. I feel emotional even typing this out now.

Chase later informed me that he might be a little more sad than he had let on about not being pregnant after all. He wasn’t sure what that meant and I am also not sure what it means. We were ready to be parents on accident, but I am not sure that it is responsible to do it on purpose at this point. Just knowing that we were ready has brought us closer in a way that I didn’t know we were apart, it is exciting. It seems silly to admit that about someone I chose to marry, but we were on the same page about no kids, so this has changed us a little.

I can’t wait to continue growing and changing with and learning from him. Tonight, writing out my thoughts, I feel grateful for the man that I married, I feel hopeful, and I feel so content.

 

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Update on Sobriety.

Well here it is guys, the update on my sobriety that nobody asked for. Long story short, I failed. I don’t even think I made it through a full week after my original blog post about calming down without drinking. To top it all off, I got totally trashed at the wedding, commandeered the SHARED hotel bathroom I had with my IN-LAWS (!!!) to throw-up all over it after the wedding.

The night started off well, I nursed one drink and hung out with his parents and enjoyed the wedding. The wedding party, which Chase was a part of, toasted with forties, and they so kindly shared them with close friends of the wedding party, including myself. Thats when it went downhill. By the end of the night, the wedding party and their friends were the last ones standing and if my memory serves me correctly, we all surrounded the bar for the last hour of the reception taking shots of whatever the bartender would give us. I feel less embarrassed about that,  because everyone was trashed, we all went shot for shot with each other and we were all having a great, wasted time. But then I black out. One second I am taking a shot at the bar and the next second I am crying in the bathroom of the hotel surrounded by my own vomit after clogging the toilet.

The next morning, I woke up mortified. I had slept in the clothes I was meant to wear home that day instead of my pajamas, the rest of my clothes were hanging all over the bathroom to dry because I had tried to clean the mess with them , and all of the towels were in a heap behind the door. I began to have little flashbacks of things that happened in there and I bawled out of embarrassment. Chase and his parents didn’t seem to be upset with me, but fuck me, I felt so stupid. Chase assured me that at the wedding I was a good time and everyone was on the same wavelength, so thankfully my only source of shame came from the aftermath in the hotel. HOWEVER, it should have never gotten that far.

My brain is missing the censor in it that other people have that tells them to slow down when they need to. I’m convinced of it. Normal people can feel a buzz and relax and sip their drip, because they know they are feeling good. I feel buzz and think that I have to keep drinking or I will lose it. My issue has always been inability to regulate my intake, I want to keep feeling good all night and the voice inside that reminds me that “hey, if you keep drinking you’ll embarrass yourself,” gets silenced.

Is it addiction when you know you have a problem to fix and you neglect to take care of it, anyways? How come I can’t get my shit together. I vowed to stop drinking that morning, but have since drank. its been a month and I have had no more than two drinks per week, and have not gotten drunk either. I hope to keep this control going. My weaknesses are open bars, we will see how I act at the wedding we attend next month. I am not going to make any promises about not getting too drunk and controlling myself, because I seem to like disappointing myself.

Eh.

 

 

 

Building a Better Me

I have been in a personal slump lately. I can’t seem to relax, or find things funny, and I am SO lazy. I am tired of feeling miserable. As a part of a personal mission over the next week I am going to put make up on and do my hair every day for a week. This doesn’t sound like much, but I rarely do make up or hair anymore. I roll out of bed, have breakfast, then throw my hair however it will cooperate and go to work.

I am not saying that you need to wear make up to feel pretty and less lazy, but I am doing this in hopes that it will give me a little boost.  A goal to put effort into myself should help me appreciate myself. I have been attempting to lose weight and change my diet and “be healthy” nutritionally, with little to no results for about a year now. I think my attempt at a healthier life needs to start on the outside first, for effort, then can work its way in. If I try to make myself look and feel better then I hope the rest will follow.

As my plan to change my lifestyle continues, I hope to add new things to it each week as continue to grow like until being happy and healthy seems like less of a pain in the ass. This week I will start with appreciating and embracing my outer appearance, and next week I will try to incorporate a new work out a day for the week. While sitting here typing this out I feel a rush of energy. I think starting small and building up might be the right way to tackle this, going head first into something very different hasn’t proven right for me. It is now time for a real change!