Sometimes I get down on myself

Well, all the time, to be honest. But yesterday I caught a real life glimpse of myself and my double chin. It hasn’t been a secret to me that I have been gaining an unreal amount of weight. I have probably gained around 20 pounds since my wedding 2 and half years ago, I feel like my diet and exercise routine (which is zero exercise) have been consistent so  I can only blame the change on my metabolism changing as I age. Truthfully I eat more bread and drink more beer in Chicago than I ever have before, but I don’t easily take responsibility for my life so we will pretend I didn’t say that.

About once every two months I convince myself that it is time to start eating healthier and reduce my portions and drink less alcohol. I am semi-succesfull for 6 days, tops. I have no plan, I have no idea what I am doing, I have no idea what is healthy for me. Not to mention my husband is hands-down a meat and potatoes kind of guy. I have never consumed so much white rice in my life, he loves it and needs it in every meal. I understand that meat and potatoes doesn’t translate to rice, but its white and starchy and adds no nutritional value to my diet, same shit, right?

We are getting ready to move back to California for the next chapter, and I can’t go back looking like the moving truck that got us there. Self-Deprecation is not cute, but it’s a defense mechanism that I am well aware of, if I saw it first than I can’t be hurt. I always tell my friends that if they are aware of the thing they do that hurt them then they have no excuse not to fix them, so its my turn to practice what I preach. I hurt because I am unhappy with the way I look, it is time to take control. I don’t want to make fun of myself to make myself feel normal, it isn’t healthy.

I went to sleep last night with a stomach full of meatballs, bread, and wine. I was happy in the moment eating them but have a food and wine hangover this morning as I write this. I decided this morning that I need to change and I need guidance that I am not going to get from anyone, but myself and a few books. I ordered a Whole30 cookbook and Whole30 Day-by-Day journal today to guide me through my healthy lifestyle change. I understand the concept of Whole30 and food that are acceptable on the diet, I just can’t stay motivated or keep up with it. I am not creative in the kitchen and can’t make chicken breast and roasted broccoli every night and think that it is sustainable.

I plan to start a real Whole30 and stick to it once my books arrive.  I am very excited and proud of myself that I took a step closer to getting real about my health. Part of the journey is accountability, so I wanted to stop by here and put it in writing that I plan to begin this journey. Maybe some of you can help me out or give me recommendations for this opportunity!

Yikes.

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Kill all the Things

Today is day 4 of my Whole30 adventure and my body feels great, but my attitude is shitty. I am very irritable and on the defensive. I read a lot about doing a Whole30 before I started it and thought to myself there is NO WAY I am going to want to ‘kill all the things’ by only day 4. And I was so wrong. I thought that hit in week two so when I read up on it again today everything seemed to make sense. I spent days 1-3 making fun of Chase for not being able to handle it that soon and today I am thankful that he is busy at work not to witness the monster I have become.
My day hasn’t been particularly bad. Work was slow, I enjoyed my coworkers, all our customers were in great moods, and nothing bad or annoying happened. Chase and I have to lock down a caterer for the wedding, which is exciting, but we both feel like we can’t make any decisions without our families input, because they are paying for it. Unfortunately, everyone is on a different page. We have narrowed it down to two different local eateries that do a whole pig roast which is something we would love, we just have to create menus and price it out. This wouldn’t seem like a big deal if we didn’t have pressure coming from both sides to hurry up and make a decision.
We picked a priest that we grew up with in our church to officiate and went over marriage prep guidelines with him. We were relieved to find that he would allow us to do classes online, because we only get to spend time together between the hours of 11 pm and 2 am and have a hard time with our jobs coordinating time off.
We also picked dates to go home for his sister’s graduation/cousin’s wedding and the dates we will go home for OUR WEDDING . We purchased the first set of tickets and now just have to lock down the dates with our bosses and purchase the wedding month tickets! So that’s all very exciting stuff, a lot of money involved, but exciting nonetheless.
Now back to the stress. I sent a text to the bridesmaid/grooms-maids, who are my sisters and his sisters, with a color palette and dress ideas for them to look for. I told them I was happy as long as they were within those colors. And I assumed the pictures I sent for mismatched ideas would be sufficient. His sisters (who I love) sent pretty structured and darker dresses then I was looking for. I stupidly said they were acceptable thinking to myself it has only been one hour since I sent that text, they are still looking, then I heard a few days later that it what they were getting. So, I was upset with myself for being so relaxed and agreeing to what they had sent. So I sent another text with 6 specific colors and 12 dress options I like. I have been saying “pretty, romantic, and feminine” from the start. And somehow, because I am a spineless jellyfish, I let them know they could keep the dresses in a softer tone as long as they looked for something more flowing first. I am not mad at them. I am confused that the pictures I sent don’t look like the dresses they picked, but I am mad at myself for not saying “no.” They are all going shopping together next week and it is my only hope that my mom can hold it together for me, she’s been on my side and helping me through this whole thing and I am unbelievably thankful to have her through this. Telling someone “no” shouldn’t be this hard, but on DAY 4 OF YOUR WHOLE30 it is! I want it to be over. I just want everyone to agree with me and support me… is that too much to ask?!
In other news we decided to stay in South Carolina for another year once our lease is up. I am hoping the longer we stay the more likely my whole family is to move here. A girl can dream.