Annual resolution post…

It’s about time for my once a year New Year’s post. I figured I would get a jump on it a little early this year. Previously, I have made goals for myself that I have not achieved, 2017 was no different. I never figured out who I was or found a hobby or even tried to contemplate what I bring to the table. I wanted to focus more on writing and really have a head start in pursuing that, which I also didn’t do.

I have lived in three different states the over the last seven years and I am never quite sure when I will be leaving each state. I have let this looming unknown dictate how I run my life. I have passed up promotions, friendships, vacations, etc., because I am never sure how permanent my situation will be. Recently, like yesterday recently, I learned that my husband has been doing the same thing. He doesn’t want to start anything too long term in the states that we have been in, because they aren’t our home. Hearing him say this out loud initially upset me, but I realized I had been doing the same thing. I have even told people that ask me why I haven’t moved up in the company I work for that it is because I am waiting until we move home. Well, in 2018 we will be moving back “home”. We will be surrounded by our family again and trying to lay roots of our own, finally. Travelling has been incredible and I have learned a lot, but it will be nice to make a little more money and maybe go on some vacations, oh yeah, and achieve previous goals I have set. I have been setting goals for myself that I somehow knew I would not reach, because deep down I wasn’t ready to start pursuing them. That being said, I will not be setting any work or hobby related goals for myself this year. I just always end up disappointed this time of year.

Now, to take a complete one-eighty from work, I would like my goal this year to be to find out what body positivity means to me.

I hate myself. I get depressed every time I see a candid picture, getting dressed in the morning is a struggle, I am fully aware at all times of the food I am putting in my mouth and how it will negatively affect my waistline. The anxiety of obsessing over my meals and what is healthy and what isn’t healthy is becoming an all-consuming constant in my life and I would like to murder that obsession and throw into a lake.

I joined a gym a little over a year ago and Chase and I really threw ourselves into it, we had a great routine that lasted about a month and half. Then Chase hurt his back and I had no motivation to go on my own. I started to work at a new location while all of this was going on and my walk to work went from five minutes to over two miles there and back each day, which I was considering a perk since it totaled over thirty minutes of walking. Somewhere along the way I began to confuse my stroll to work with real exercise and treated my diet that way as well.

At the same time, I tried to embrace body positivity, which I don’t fully understand, and I challenged myself for a week to put on an outfit and leave it on, no matter what rolls were showing. This was liberating. It was the easiest week I had in a while. I threw clothes on, smiled at myself, ate what I felt like, and went on about my day. I liked it so much that I extended my weeklong trial into almost a month, until I realized that I was gaining weight. I was heavier than I was when I started and my clothes were starting to look less flattering than they were before. I noticed new rolls on my stomach that hadn’t been there two months before. This sent me over the edge. I started stressing about my outfits again and I couldn’t stop constantly thinking about AND eating food. I haven’t been able to recover.

So this year, I want to work on a healthy relationship with food, I want to stop OBSESSING, and most importantly I want to learn to love my body. I understand that being body positive doesn’t mean you just let yourself go and love it anyways, it means loving yourself enough to nourish it and take care of it, with some wiggle room. Well, actually as I stated before I don’t understand body positivity at all, but I am going to learn.  I assume it also means when you slip up and cant get it together you don’t shame yourself, you allow yourself the slip up and learn from it. I don’t know. I hope that I am not the only one who doesn’t get it.

 

Goodbye 2017, overall you were great, but I need a real health check for 2018.

(maybe a little minor goal will be to close out blog posts better…)

 

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Changes.

Today, and for the past few days actually, my husband has been in a bit of a grumpy mood. This is unusual for him. It hasn’t been consistent, but one grumpy comment a day is way more than I am used to. I knew something weird had to be up today when he snapped on me for not wanted to grill by the lake today during a thunderstorm. In his defense, the storm had not started yet, but the sky was dark, it was humid and the weather app said we were due for a storm at any moment.

After the post grilling blow up, we sat in silence for a while before he jumped up and asked that we go for a walk. He “had to get out of the house.” So he took off and i followed behind him. I walked behind him in silence for a couple blocks until he settled on a random park bench for us to sit on. There, we continued to sit in silence until after what felt like forever he apologized for blowing up on me. He then proceeded to tell me about how maybe pursuing your passion as a career is overload and you’re just supposed to have your passion as a hobby and your career separate. He said he was just exhausted all the time trying to make ends me and wasn’t sure anymore if the life and future he thought he wanted was exactly what he wanted anymore. He thinks a boring job that gives him a good pay check and allows him to maybe travel, be home with me more, or pursue his passion at home, would be a better suited option. A big house, with a yard, and normal hours of work, is how he put it.

Yeah, whatever. That actually sounds like a really normal life choice and path to follow and normally someone would say “yeah I’m on board for the white picket fence dream.”

BUT for the past 5 years we have lived in two different states in studio apartments so that he can have cooking experience and learn and grow in different regions with the end goal of moving home to settle down and open a restaurant. We both signed up for this marriage and partnership together know that the end goal would be time consuming and for life, and we were both okay with that.

For me, the timing to drop this on me was not ideal. I was upset that he had been moody with me for the past week and extra upset that he wanted to have a life changing conversation with me afterwards. I want to support what makes him happy, ultimately, but right now I feel like my world has been rocked. He doesn’t see how what he’s shared is something that would affect me.

I don’t really know why I am posting about this right now. I just feel confused. I am not mad at him, I am just confused. What do I really want then in relation to his new dream?  I don’t know what I want. Maybe that is part of the problem. Maybe him being able to say out loud that he feels like what he is doing with leave him unsatisfied makes me envious that wouldn’t be brave enough to admit something like that. I mean, I know the job that I have now isn’t my forever job, but his decision may push me jump into a forever job sooner than I am ready to dive.

Who knows? Just had to get that out there somewhere. More to come eventually.

 

Making it about ME

This past year, I spent a majority of my time just getting by. In fact, I have spent most of my adult life just getting by. 2016 was a wonderful year. I moved to Chicago with my husband and we are living life and embracing this new experience. However, we have faced the reality that Chicago is expensive and perhaps we don’t make enough money to support our desire to live here. He has a job that he loves which makes his wage worth it, regardless. I have a job that I kind of like which makes my wage less worth it. I have more potential and I know it, I am terribly afraid of branching out and failing, though. I always have been.

He has been pursuing his passion of cooking for years now it is his dream to open a restaurant of his own one day and this is a dream that I stand behind. I, however, have no idea how to pursue my own dreams. I am currently a barista, which is fun but is by no means my dream job. I have had opportunities within the company that I work for to move up, but because of my lack of desire to stay with the company FOREVER (even though it has been six years already) I have turned them down. I have searched for other jobs or career paths, but I have no idea what that looks like. I don’t know what I want to do.

It was brought to my attention during a visit home in 2016 that everyone in my family and in his family think I am great for dropping everything and following my husband in pursuit of his dreams. They think it is incredibly supportive and brave. I love to support him and admire the moves he makes everyday, but it hit me hard that I DON’T DO ANYTHING FOR MYSELF. Next time I go home I want my family and friends to praise the things I am doing to better myself. I never imagined that I’d get lost in what someone else was doing.

So, this year, I hope to make it year dedicated to myself. I need to do things out of my comfort zone, say yes to the promotions, take time to do things I enjoy, make decisions that aren’t solely dependent on how I think my husband will respond to them, etc.

I hope that by this time next year I can look back on the previous year and reflect on the things i did to better by myself. via Daily Prompt: Year

Year

Letting Go.

I have been having the absolute strangest dreams lately. Insomnia has seemed to set in the past couple of weeks and once I fall asleep it seems as if I can’t relax, because REM Briana doesn’t want me to. Lately, I have been bored at work and complaining about things that don’t matter. I come home and talk about an endless amount of things that, in reality, don’t affect me. Last night I had a dream that I was in the bathroom at work and bats flew into my shirt and I couldn’t get rid of them. Then after walking up and falling asleep again, I had a dream that my father had died. I woke up crying and confused, because my family in the dream didn’t seem to care that this had happened. I was very worried for my dad which prompted me to look up what the death of my dad could possibly mean.

It turns out that having your dad die in your dream means that you possess qualities that you get from your dad that you may need to let go of. This is relevant in my life, because my inability to show affection to my husband is starting to affect us and I have been trying to let go of that. I am my father’s daughter, I inherit a sense of sarcasm and introversion from him that I have a hard time letting go of most of the time. Having a dream about a bat can often mean that you are holding on to something that is affecting you and you need to change the way you think about the situation, because it is out of your control and shouldn’t be affecting you. Considering the dream involving the bats took place at work, I took this as a huge slap in the face. Obviously, the universe is telling me to get over myself at work and accept what I can change and that shaping my attitude into a more positive one can help to better improve the things I can change.

I am not big on dream interpretation, but every once in a while I have a dream that speaks to me. Something inside told me to look it up and I am glad that I did. I gained a little bit of positive perspective on things that totally freaked me out before. Maybe I will apply some of the advice REM Briana was trying to give coherent Briana. Maybe I will also call my dad and tell him that I love him.